Dear Readers,

I know we just went through this but this time I'm for realzies ending this blog.

I could continue to go on about what a creep Dustin Diamond was on Celebrity Fit Club ( I am ashamed to admit I watched it this weekend), or how disgusting it is that OJ Simpson still gets any media attention ( he is rumored to be contemplating suicide, wonder why) or that new sad excuse for an NBC show Age of Love ( I thought I could handle any reality ridiculousness but after the "cougars" were pitted against "the kittens" I had to shut it off) but really though, I think we all get it and frankly I am sick of talking about it day after day.

A big thanks to all of you who've enjoyed Dear Douchebag for the past year. Hopefully this summer a new annyoingly over-used insult word will sweep the nation and take the place of douchebag. I assume if any word were to take the place of douchebag it'll have to involve the word bag like douche bag, dirt bag, sleaze bag, ho bag. Perhaps colostomy bag will take the cake?

"Dude, you are such a c-bag for spilling Bacardi Limon all over my Camaro!"

Who knows.

What I do know is you can read stuff from me every other week at The HuffingtonPost.com and starting in late August I'll be writing for Lifetimetv.com. And if you're in major Giulia withdrawl check out giuliarozzi.com for updates on other writing thingys in the works plus live show dates and videos. Also stay tuned for my newest work in progress web project themessage-board.com.

Be nice.

Love Always,
Giulia

Dear Meme Roth,

So sorry I am late writing to you, I was too busy shoving a slice of fried fat down my throat and crying over my enormous size eight bod. Don't fret Meme, I am on a diet. A shit diet. I am cutting back on my servings of shitty "news" featuring shitty topics of discussion with shitty "experts." After a large over-dose of entertainment "news" during my vaction last month I needed a bit of trash TV detox.

Due to my diet I missed this absurd bit of banter.



Roth you make me wanna ralph. Jordin Sparks is a bad obese role model because she has an "addiction to soda pop"?!

First of all obese is like big, too big not curvy, full and gorgeous. Secondly how do you know she's even addicted to soda pop? And who refers to soda as soda pop anymore? Lastly, isn't an addiction to soda pop better than the addictions some other pop starlets seem to have like addictions to drugs or addictions to alcohol or addictions to flashing thier cooters?

Yes, obesity is indeed a problem in America. So is ignorance.


Love Always,
Giulia

Dear Friends,

In lieu of a letter I am sending you off to read something neato that I wrote at http://www.huffingtonpost.com and something super cool I posted at http://www.youtube.com. Enjoy!

Love Always,
Giulia

Dear Sopranos and/or anti-Sopranos groups,

I have The Sopranos finale and second to last episode DVR'd but can't get to it till Friday and it's hell avoiding Yahoo entertainment headlines and other pop culture news. Thus my avoidance of such gossip is greatly going to affect my blog posts this week. I mean I am sure the Sopranos buzz with die, but I am so damn scared that somehow, someone is going to blow it for me or rather my compulsive clicks will blow it for myself.

While we are on the topic, I'd like to take this time to discuss the intense likeness of my family to the Soprano family minus the crime of course, unless being adorable is a crime. (Yeah I did just say that).

We are quite like them.

I mean my mom doesn't wear velour jumpsuits and get manicures (oh how I wish she did). She much prefers my sisters old Z Cavarechi pants paired with my old "Unbutton Your Fly" t-shirt as her housewife-ing uniform.

My dad doesn't splurge on lavish steak dinners and Glenn Levit (oh how I wish he did). He can satisfy his taste buds quite nicely by filling up on treats served at Bank Openings and Hardware store hotdog bbq's. Toss him a can of Miller high life he's all set.

We don't have anyone in the family with Paulie's skunk hair (oh how I really really really wish we did). My parents did however force a painfully ambiguous bowl-cut on my poor sister from ages 2-13 despite her pleas to please, please let her grow a more girly cut. (My parents still will not disclose their reasoning for making their first-born daughter look their first-born son. Instead they do a denial song and dance when looking at old photos of my sister saying "Ha! She sure looked like a boy, huh? Why is that?")

So no, my family doesn't have all that badass stuff that makes the Sopranos so sexy but they do have the attitude.

Back when Italian organizations were stomping their feet over the unfair and wrong portrayal of Italian-Americans on TV and film (namely the Sopranos) I was dumbfounded. The NIAF was upset claiming that an overwhelming 73 percent (of entertainment outlets) portray Italians in a negative light as boors, bigots, or gangsters, but it’s not negative its pretty damn right on. (Again minus the gangster/crime thing).

Perhaps boor (a person with rude, clumsy manners and little refinement- I had to Google it) and bigot are harsh. Perhaps it doesn't pertain to ALL Italians but from what I've seen (and as a first-generation Ital I've seen lots) the boor part makes sense. I mean my dad screamed "Slow down!" to my sister as she read her beautiful speech at my wedding. The room was silent, people were tearing up, my heart was beaming, the moment was gorgeous only to be interrupted by a loud, half-kidding, half-thinking he was being truly helpful, roar.

Now while my daddy is a successful, intelligent, very funny bright man he is also as Italian media has said, rude with clumsy manners, little refinemnet plus a lil' wonky on the social skills with a dash of unfiltered almost turrets-like bluntness. Therefore based on one person, it my conslusion that the boor stereo-type is true. (Whoa, I guess I am a bigot and boor as well).

And it's not just limited to my culture as we've all been witness to what is preserved as painfully rude behaviors from foreigners. Between the language barriers (or "pretend language barriers" as my folks are still playing the " I no understand" card after 30+ years in America) and the sense of immigrant entitlement (a whole other topic to explore in a later piece/post I am sure) old school peeps from other countries can be a bit or a boor. (Perhaps this where Sasha Baron Cohen got the name for Bor-at? No? Anyone?) And I certainly don't mean boor as in bore because while my immigrant folks (and perhaps your parents or grandparents as well) can be quite shocking and unknowingly foot-in-mouth, they are always interesting (and I already said adorable, right?)

Love Always,
Giulia

Dear Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer,

Is it just me or isn't it weird that you and Sheriff Lee Baca didn't, I dunno talk about whether or not Paris Hilton should leave or stay in jail? As annoying as Paris can be, nobody deserves to be teased with jailtime. It's almost as bad as when I tell my dude that I want Thai food for dinner, then as we approach the restaurant I decide I want pizza. Then as soon as we get to the Pizza place, I demand Thai food again. Sorry Sauer and Baca, put Paris is not a plate of Pad See Ew that you can just toy with (oh but I wish she were, I do love Pad See Ew so very much).

I feel like the only reason why Paris was released and then re-arrested was so that the paparazzi could get photos of her in handcuffs. Paris's first trip to the slammer was done early in the morn to avoid hundreds of cameras snapping ( other than the one from TMZ). Arresting Paris in the middle of the day today allowed ample opportunity to get good video/photos of the gal. It's all very sick. It's all very dumb. It's inda mean. And as much as everyone is sick of Paris Hilton, it's all our fault. I mean if we don't buy the tabloids or watch Hard Copy's expose on Paris's most recent shopping escapade, then the media will cut back if we cut back. Supply and demand, and America demands trash.

But I think the real issue here is yesterday's episode of the Simple Life. I watched 4 minutes of it while at my favorite garbage viewing spot-the gym. In those 4 minutes I watched as E! placed Paris and Nicole as camp counselors for a group of overweight teens. As the teens exited the bus to camp, hilarious soun effects indicating the heaviness of these kids joyfully tickled our ears (classy stuff). Then Paris and Nicole were suppose to teach these kids about good nutrition and positive body image. Nicole Richie was suppose to teach teens about good nutrition and positive body image.

I almost miss Tyra Banks.

Love Always,
Giulia

Dear Loves,

I'll be writing weekly pieces for the Huffingtonpost.com blog. Check out my debut ditty about spelling and stupidity at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/giulia-rozzi/the-word-is-querulousness_b_51181.html. Enjoy!

Love Always,
Giulia

Dear Poison,

Oh no, oh no, no, no! You've become a cover band? My favorite band in 6th grade? The stars of my first sexual fantasy (minus Bobby, sorry I just wasn't that into brunette headbangers at age 12)? My hard rockin', ass kickin', hot pink lipstick wearin' hair band lovers are doing renditions of "Just What I Needed" and "Little Willy"???

It's bad enough that Bret Michaels is starring ina new reality show to find true love, now you and the boys have released a collection of cover tunes cleverly titled Poison'd.

I mean who am I to judge what rockstars should do once they get past age 45? I mean Aerosmith and The Rolling Stones still manage to rock, why not Poison?

Oh wait, perhaps it's because Aerosmith and The Rolling Stones are playing their own music! You boys have become a wedding band! Perhaps you could do a Poison'd cover of "Hot, Hot, Hot" or "The Chicken Dance"?

Clearly this letter has probably put our MySpace friendship at risk. I totally understand if you want to delete me as a friend. But please, understand I write to you as a friend. I am not sure why no one else has told you this yet but you can do better! Or you could also do other! I mean CC kicked some reality ass in those Surreal Life competitions. And Rikki's a pretty awesome artist. You have had long, wonderful careers. You have relationships, families, friends. You have money ( I hope). You have history. You have rocked. You've created good music. You've done so much, but covers are certainly not "What I Like About You."



Love Always,
Giulia

Dear TV "News",

On my week-long trip to paradise I tried my darnest not to watch TV during my vacation but alas the large flat screen LG TV in my hotel room got the best of me. The gorgeous beaches and blazing sun of Maui (yes I was in Hawaii where I met ZERO douchebags! Honest to God, the people of Hawaii are without one ounce of douchedome in their richly tanned souls) should have lured me away from you Nancy Graces, Showbiz Tonight's and you other obnoxiously flashy hard hitting journalistic programs. But between you and me I can only take so much beach bumming. Due to jet-lag and whatnot I was up daily at 6am, so at about 1pm daily I'd retire to my king-sized bed for a half-nap (half asleep, half awake, fully watching shitty television.)

As soon as the TV went on, your "news" shows started pouring out the pop poop- Lindsay is a drunk, Paris is going to jail, Brittney broke down, young Hollywood is outta control and the paparazzi/media is to blame. Fine, but aren't you paparazzi/media? Aren't your news shows supporting the paparazzi when you repeatedly, every hour on the hour show pics of Lohan plopped over in her car, mouth open, with a logo credit to TMZ in the corner?

Then come the experts. Everybody in the whole fucking world has an opinion on if Brit is a fit mother or if Club Le Deux (the club where Linds passed out) should loose its liquor licence (one frumpy lady actually squawked "Le Deux? More like Le Don't!" thanks chode.) You waste hours of airtime discussing the antics of celebs with self-proclaimed experts. Warning messages from the randomest of randomers are doled out like Halloween candy (that Regan-daughter chick offered Lindsay some advice about rehab or whatever). Everyone is pissing their autortative pants over the loss of young and famous innocence yet all over the country, off the Sunset Strip are thousands of kids doing worse, falling worse, with a lot fewer people to care for them. What about them? Whose going to "save" them?

I realize writing about this shit just contradicts my plea that you and everyone please just shut-up about this shit. But really enough about these people and their problems. They fucked up, they'll fix it, move on.

I did however thoroughly enjoy Sarah Silverman's "painting the jail bars like penis's" joke on the Mtv Movie Awards last night. Even though a little part of me felt bad for Paris, being the butt of a joke on the eve of her sentence start.

Then again, the girl can afford a driver so I cannot comprehend why in the world she keeps driving drunk. I have asshole friends who have driven drunk but it's only because they are penny-less shlubs that can't afford cabs.

Oh how I wish I wanted to just live in a van alongside the Pacific,selling carved coconut bird feeders where the only paparazzi are tourists flashing their Nikon's at each other, but I just love douchey drama too much.

Love Always,
Giulia

Dear Readers,

I love you all so much that I am going on vacation so that when I return relaxed and rejuvenated, my posts will be even more magical than before! So hang tight and please check back here June 7.

Love Always,
Giulia

Dear Dr. Officer Baldwin, ( letter #8)

Well, our time has come to an end. Well almost. I mean there’s still tonight’s post-show recap extravaganza which is sure to include many questions, vague answers and of course admittance of “hearts on sleeves” and “putting of ones self out there.”

But the suspense is over. Americans are no longer at the edge of their seats aching to know who Dr. Officer Andrew Baldwin has made into an honest woman.

What’s that? Americans weren’t on the edge of their seats? Most of America didn’t even know this show was still on?

Oh.

Well fine I was on the edge of my seat. Not so much because I was anxiously awaiting whom would be the future Mrs. Dr. Officer Baldwin (no that surprise was destroyed while reading a Bachelor message board spoiler post). I was on the edge of my seat so I could easily run to the toilet should I have to puke as tearfully you said “I love you” to both Bevin and Tessa before sending Bev’s back to wallow in her “it never works out for me!” mantra.




It was as if you only told Bevin you loved her because you thought Tessa didn’t love you. Then later when Tessa said she loved you were like “Bevin what? Make you think you can fuck with me. Bevin who? Recognize girl, An to the dy”

Look Andy, lots of us have been there. We pick suitor #2 for fear we can’t get suitor #1. The only difference is normally this occurs in high school when choosing betwixt two dates for the big dance. You end up having to have to lie to suitor #2 saying that you “have to wash my hair” so you can really go to the dance with suitor #1. Then in an act of bravery, suitor #2 ends up at the dance alone catching you with suitor #1 which prompts him/her to recite a big speech about honesty and love. This all of course is then followed by a big dance sequence. Suitor #2’s impeccable dance moves cause you to fall head over heels for suitor #2 but unfortunately by this point suitor #2 has found true love with another student. They ride off into the sunset in suitor #2’s unexpected convertible blasting a “Huey Lewis and the News” tune of some sort.

But when you pull this shit on TV you look like a big ol’ piece of turd with sparkling white teeth.

Of course this was not the grossest thing to occur on last night’s season finale of The Bachelor. Oh no. The grossest thing was a Tessa and Andy montage. And not just any montage, but a montage set to the elevator muzak version of “Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong.”



Love Always,
Giulia

Dear Scott Strapp,

First you get it on in Kid Rock's sex tape now you are getting arrested for domestic abuse? Way to rock it Christian style huh? I guess instead of "arms wide open" you've got your "hands wide open" to back slap your lady. Oh and you got "groupies wide open" so you can do it with them on tape. Get it? Oh, oh, oh and now we've got a can of worms wide open, and those worms are me word playing your lame song titles.

Don't worry, I didn't understand that last sentence either.

In a nutshell Scotty, all your Jesus rock ain't gonna save you from going to hell. And all your songs sound alike. And just cause you like to wear "wife beaters" doesn't mean you actually have to go beat you wife/girlfriend/female companion. And you do a poor impression of Eddie Vedder.

Love Always,
Giulia

Dear People who Clearly do NOT want to Save Dafur,

I was walking near South Station in Boston this week where a group of peaceful folks handed out postcards asking citizens to sign the petition to urge Fidelity and other investment institutions to stop investing in genocide. They were not pushy at all. They did not want to talk, they just wanted us to take a nice little postcard with the photo of a broken, sad child on it. They smiled and stayed unobtrusive.

Within inches of said peaceful folks were promo peeps wearing loud t-shirts forcing samples of Orbitz into the hands of passer-bys. They were aggressive and stupid.

I heard quite a few people rudely tell the nice Darfur activists "no thanks" or " I don't have time" as they eagerly accepted and made "time" for multiple packs of the new "Mint Mojito" chewing gum.

I know Orbitz claims its "For A Good Clean Feeling, No Matter What" but will gum really make one feel good and clean when they are a dumb ignorant asshole?

Well, I guess fresh breath is simply more important than humanity.

Love Always,
Giulia


ps. Visit www.savedarfur.org. I'll admit I didn't know much about this Darfur stuff until now but once you read about it, you'll care. I hope you'll care. You'd better care or I'll spit my free gum at you!

Dear Willard Scott,

I think it may be time to retire your role as the host of the 100th birthday centenarian salutes segment of the Today Show. I dunno, I just felt sorta uncomfortable this morning when you wished an 101 year old woman a Happy Birthday mentioning "she likes to stay active" followed by a birthday wish to a 103 year old man saying "he likes to bowl, maybe the two of them should get together and you know score!"


Then they cut back to Meredith Viera. She said "thanks Willard!" to which you replied "huh?"

Oh you wacky loveable inappropiate oaf, you...

Love Always.
Giulia

Dear Dr. Officer Baldwin, ( letter # 7)

Oh good Lord, will this show fucking end already? I know nobody is forcing me to watch but just like the Tyra Banks show, Entertainment Tonight and most if not all of the programming on VH1 I have to, HAVE TO be a witness to the doody that is pooped out of America's asses.

Now even though I have been watching the Bachelor since season one when the dolphin-like Alex Michal pretended to be into girls, I still will never, ever understand why anyone would ever partake in this over-produced pile of vomit. Yet year after year after year ABC manages to dig up dozens of desperate, wedding-hungry, “heart on their sleeve” wearing women who happen to own countless evening gowns (really where do these girls get all these dresses for every rose ceremony?) and guys with the whitest, shiniest teeth and the poorest, cheesiest acting skills to come on national television and force themselves into falling in love. And without fail, year after year after year, these women (most at least) “fall in love” with Mr. Crest White Strips. I mean love? LOVE? Like the way I love it when someone farts in the bathroom at work cause they think they are in there alone and then they come out and see me and try to make awkward conversation about the new scented rose soap. Cause that kind of love could logically be developed on a game show but no and somehow every season these bridal hopefuls pee-pee their panties with what they think is true, television developed love.

Oh sorry Andy, I forgot I was writing to you for a sec. Last night was a hard night for you. I mean really hard. It was so hard to spend three nights in Hawaii with three different ladies. It was so hard you had to take off your shirt and go swimming then you had to take off your shirt and go jogging then you had to just take off your shirt cause shirts cause confusion when deciding who to make your “wife.”

In the end it was Danielle whose heart you decided to break.
How could you Andy? Didn’t you hear her boyfriend died in college!? I mean for Christ’s sake she told you like 100 times that she has had a lot of loss in her life with her boyfriend dying in college! I mean her boyfriend died in college. What part of her repeating it over and over and over and over and over again in an attempt to play to wounded dove card did you not understand? I mean even after Danielle told you that she saw a psychic before coming on the show who specifically said that she would marry the third guy she seriously dated! First was the boyfriend that passed away, then another dude, then you. Yes Andy, Danielle considered getting CAST on a REALITY TV SHOW seriously dating. This was real serious. I mean its all on tape. And a psychic said so!

You got teary eyed as Danielle drove off but quickly cheered up when toasting with Bevin and Tessa. I’m not sure why you didn’t even suggest a threesome at this point. I mean both women clearly indicated they’d do anything for a rose. ANYTHING. But being the gentlemen, as in Office and a Gentlemen that you are you simply gave them each a squeeze and then probably retired to your room to jerk off while watching footage of all the contestants crying over you on their limo rides home.

The show ended with a dozen or so voice-overs of Chris Harrison saying variations on the line “watch next week as one woman’s dream of marrying an officer and gentleman comes true while one woman’s dream of marrying an officer and gentleman is crushed on ABC’s The Bachelor, Officer and a Gentleman.”

I miss Flavor of Love.


Love Always,
Giulia

Dear Dr. Officer Baldwin, ( letter #6)

I'll keep this brief cause I really am starting to not care. I mean I never reall cared but like I really don't care.

Tonight , in what was advertised as "the MOST EMOTIONAL hometown dates EVER" you visited the hometowns of Bevin, Danielle, Tessa, and Amber.

Oddly enough Amber's parents weren't into the whole "competing for a husband on national television and risking getting shamed and heartbroken in front of all of America." That's weird huh?

Then in what was advertised as "the MOST DRAMATIC rose ceremony EVER!" with kinda sorta tears in your eyes, you gave Amber the boot.

It's so hard being the Bachelor. So, very very hard.



At least her folks can not say "I told you so" before what is being advertised as "the MOST INTENSE rose ceremony EVER!"

Oh well, let's booze!



Love Always,
The MOST UNINTERESTED AND ANNOYED yet GROSSLY ADDICTED viewer EVER!
Giulia

Dear Giulia,

You are not a douche cause you made fun of someone's style on Gawker's Looking at the Look Book.
You are a talented little asshole who in the name of "good fun" may or may not make people cry sometimes.

Love Always,
Giulia

Dear George Bush,

You were quoted in today's Metro as saying "This (pulling troops out of Iraq) is a perscription for chaos and confusion and we must not impose it on our troops."

Right, because the "chaos and confusion" of going home safely to their familes is waaaay more damaging to the troops compared to the "chaos and confusion" of killing and being killed.

Oh you!

Love Always,
Giulia

Dear Dr. Officer Baldwin, ( letter #5)

Ahoy Dr. Officer! Quite a nice date on your yacht last night huh? Yup your yacht. YOU decided to invite the ladies on YOUR yacht. The same yacht that last week you admitted to one of the girls was not really yours.



While on that yacht Bevin stole you away for some kayaking. You too canoodled while the others pouted. Later Bevin pouted when you talked to others.
What drama!

Bevin cried and told all of America "I'm 28! I'm too old to be dating someone who is dating other women, it's embarrassing!" You know what else is embarrassing? Being on the Bachelor and acting like the fact that the Bachelor is dating other women while on The Bachelor. She also something along the lines of "I really put myself out there"

Oh Bev!

You then had a one on one date with Stephanie who was speechless when you asked about her dreams and career aspirations. After the date Stephanie was upset because she wished she had "put herself out there" more.

Oh well!

Next you took the ladies to clean up and re-paint a schoolyard, which earned you big points.

Everyone cooed and aaahed saying such things as "it's so nice that Andy wants to give back to the community!"

Yes, the community that ABC scouted, booked and shot.

Also while at the playground Danielle "put herself out there" and told you how she counseled a special needs child. This gave you a boner so you hugged her.

Touchdown Danielle!

Then Amber put something out there. Can you guess what it was? If said a potato you are wrong. If you said "herself" you are right! You are a smart doctor indeed. Yes, Amber put herself out there and talks about her students playing on the fact that she is a teacher and they are at a school and there are kids and the Bachelor is saving the children of America.

Go Amber, go Amber go!

Last but not least, you take my gurl Tessa on a one on one date. She tells you, she tells us, she tells anyone who will listen about how she is trying to "put herself out there" but it's hard when you are dating so many other women. (again, had these women not seen the show before? Did they not read the contract? Did they think the "competition" part of the show was just a competition against themselves to see how much they could put out there? YES you are dating other women! There are other women! One dude, lots of women! It's the fucking Bachelor!)

Not to change the topic, but where is "there" that all these girls are going "out" to? God, can someone "put" you out "there" for a change?

Anyhoozers, roses were given away, Tina and Stephanie are sent packin'


Tina cries and says that you are "charming, but not my prince."
Stephanie laments over not doing more.
And I am left thinking, why are you the prize? Why is it assumed that the ladies will love you? That you are the ideal? What if all 20 women decided they did not like you? What would happen? I mean how is that every season, without fail, all the women want the Bachelor?

But don't you worry your pretty lil' dr. officer noggin about that Andy.

You just go on and keep asking those ladies to "hang in there." (I’m just waiting for you to start whipping out that kitten holding on to a tree branch inspirational poster) You don't need tell me why season after season after season women go on this ridiculous, cheesy, addictive television show and fall in love with whatever pretty faced man-slut Chris Harrison dangles in front of their marriage hungry hearts. No, you don't need to explain this to me I just um, well I just wanted to um. God this is hard for me. I just ahhhh, um I didn't want to do this but, well I had to ask cause I just wanted to really put myself out there.

Love Always,
Giulia

Dear Smooching Couple on the Subway,

Yeah that's right, I was blasting Brittney Spears "I'm a Slave for You" on my Ipod and I am not asshamed! Don't think I didn't notice you two whispher and knod toward me, giggling and judging. I may sound paranoid but a person just knows when they are being talked about. I saw how you both jumped out of your neck nuzzles as Brit belted "can I get, can I get, whoaaaa..." Then you both smirked and sneared. I saw! I SAW!

So I turned down my volume and tried to listen in on your asshole-ishness. You noticed and presumably heard me turn down my pop magic and immediately changed the topic saying something about politics. Or maybe you were saying "Oh look that dumb girl is listening to cheesy pop tunes she must be too stupid to care about politics!"

You people make me sick. Don't you have other things to worry about like how gay you look sharing eskimo kisses? I mean it's a good fucking song okay? And if I wanna mouth the words and do the head swoop move like in the video it's my bussiness. And if I want to watch myself in the window reflection as I mouth the words and do the head swoop move like in the video it's my bussiness. And if I want to pant like a dog in heat during the "haahaahaa" heavy breathing part of the song as I watch myself in the window reflection as I mouth the word and do the head swoop move like in the video, it's my bussiness you caddy, immature turds!

Then, like a big girl, I put on Eminem's "Way I Am" super duper loud.

Yeah, I showed you.

And on that note...




Love Always,
Giulia

Dear Giulia,

You are a liar.
You an indecisive liar with no will power.

So you got some comment and a bunch of emails from readers complimenting your writing on this here site and asking you not to stop you not to quit blogging and you gave in! You gave in as if your readers are going to kill themselves if your stupid blog dies. You wish you were so special. I mean no offense Giulia, I am sure another sexy, sassy, sweet blog would swoop in and eventually win your old readers hearts over after you dumpd their asses. But none the less, you have decided to keep lil' dear douchebag going. Even though you are so sick of the word douchenbag. Even though the word douchebag is grossly overused. Even though you are getting busier lately and may not be able to write daily, you still can't kill your blog. I mean what else does one do wth all that Tyra rage?

So here's the deal, let's just write letters when we wanna. It may not be everyday but it will be often enough to make your awesome readers smile and prevent you from drinking yourself to death while reading US Weekly.

Really, was this a lame attempt at a publicity stunt? A lame bloggosphere publicity stunt?

Welcome back asshole.

Love Always.
Giulia

Dear Douchebag,

The time has come. I am breaking up with this blog. We lasted just under a year and boy was it fun.

I have really enjoyed ranting and sometimes sharing some love but now I am moving on to other things like trying to write and create for magazines and sites that not only pay (sometimes, just a little, pennies really) but magazines and sites that people actually read! ( Not to poo poo on you all, my 60+ a day readers).

Oh how I wanted to at least last through this season of the Bachelor but I just couldn't do it.

I'm also really, really, really sick of the word douchebag. Once upon a time in June 2006 I was visiting my friend Danielle at her office and we began talking about people. I got really heated about somebody that made me mad ( probably Tyra Banks) and called that person a douchebag ( it was just the start of the douche craze). Then it hit me! I am going to do something radically different online! Start a new blog! (cause the world needs more blogs!) And on that blog I will write letters to people who annoy me and I shall call those letters Dear Douchebag. Nice ring to it, huh? Brilliant, I tell you.

Since then I have discovered a plethora of letter writing sites and douchebag entiltled sites. (Hey, I never claimed to be super original). And just like when everyone in highschool got a crush on boy X, I decided I hated boy X and this blog has become boy X. Well I don't wanna make out with my blog name and marry it. I mean. Well you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean? Do I even know what I mean?

(This all makes sound pretty douchey, huh? Oh well, write me a letter about it)

Plus, I am a terrible speller and my Safari browser on my Mac disables my blogger spellcheck. I mean really people, this is taking up too much energy.

So anyhoo I'm out. Please visit www.giuliarozzi.com for updates on where and when I'll be talkin' shit and writin' shit. I've got an article coming out in Playgirl next month and some other things in the works so please check my site for all that fun stuff. Also starting in May you can find me blogging for www.thehuffingtonpost.com in the lifestyles section.

And to all those peeps I've written to over the past 10 months that I may have insulted, this one's for you...



I will miss you, now please go fuck yourselves.

Love Always,
Giulia


PS. Today's Tyra is a special "So What!" episode about her "So What" positive body image campaign. In this episode Tyra said "I love Pinks hotdogs and usually I eat them without the bun but tonight I plan to get one with the bun! SO WHAT!" Then a girl came on and blew up her scale.Thankyou Tyra, what a lovely way to end my blog.


Thanks Tyra, what a lovely way to end my blog.

Dear Dr. Officer Baldwin, ( letter #4)

A-dawg, brother be getting all slick n' sit up in dis piece. Yup last night you busted out all your smoothest moves when you and the ladies went to Tahoe.

Rather than nauseate myself and my readers with a long play by play of your dates (okay fine I am sleepy today) I will just remind us of the best quotes that flew out of your mouth last night:

-As you kissed Bevin "do you feel that? do feel the electricity when we touch?"

-To the ladies at the casino "keep it real girls, keep it real"

-To Bevin in your hotel room as you kiss "I want to be cured"

-Later to Bevin as you kissed "Want to give me check up"

(Nice work on the double doctor references!)

-To Tessa " You are my sanctuary. Please stick with it"

-To Tina " You are just what the doctor ordered"

Later to Tina "That was the medicine I needed"

(Quadruple doctor references! Hot damn Andy, you are on pun fire! No really, I sorta wish you were on fire)

Yet these ladies love Dr. Cheese.

They love your gooey, stinky, bright white toothed cheesiness. They love it so much that when Nicole didn't get a rose she lost it. Yes, sweet, adorable, lispy Nicole.

I thought she was my favorite. I mean I didn't think you were a good match because she seems, well sane and all but then I was proven wrong. When you did not give Nicole a rose she cried. Fair enough. She cried and moaned " Where do I go from here? How the HELL does that happen!?!!!!!!"

Then Stephanie T. lost it too. Well I don't think she ever really had it. Yes, delusional, non-blinking, titty baring, Stephanie. I knew she was my least favorite. She closed the show declaring "I'm leaving cuase of stupid jealous girls. Story of my life"

And there we have it. Clearly I am too mentally drained from ingesting so much Bachelor horse shit to end on a witty remark.

Till next week Dr. Officer...

Love Always,
Giulia


ps. Andy, are you a robot?

Dear Girl with a New Cell,

Please do not test out all 30 of your ring tones in the middle Not Your Average Joes restaurant! I was just trying to enjoy a burger and some conversation when you insisted on spending 15 minutes choosing a new ring tone? Nobody is wowed with your Asian ditty or Fanfare melody. I'm sorry Mommy didn't call you pretty as a little girl but please, stop making us look at you.

I will say this, there is one type of person who is a bigger turd than you: those two chicks I saw at Target on Thursday who shopped for bikinis while blasting J-Lo's "Waiting for Tonight" on their Helio . When I see boyeez strutting about the city blasting hardcore rap from a boxboom I want to punch them in the dick, so you can only imagine the violent daydreams I had involving these two preppy tramps trolling the juniors section blarring bad pop music. Sorry sluts, Hortensia the dressing room attendant is not impressed and neither am I. Now please, use that Mossimo terry cloth tube dress as a noose to choke yourselves.

Can't we all turn down the volume a wee bit?

Love Always,
Giulia

Dear Alec,

Wow, and I thought I embarassed when my not-famous father called me "dummy" at Bugaboo Creek two weeks ago when I kept doing impressions of the talking moose head.

Oh Alec, I am huge fan of your work. Ugh, how I wish you didn't leave such a horrible voicemail to your 11-year-old daughter (because clearly this directly affects me).

I mean, I get it. Sometimes daddy's loose their temper. Sometimes daddy's say mean things. Daddy's are not perfect. My daddy has lost his temper and has said mean things, the only difference is that he is smart enough not say such mean things on my voicemail. Probably because he is too un-tech savvy to even know how to use a cell phone. But that is neither here not there, point is Alec you are an amazingly talented and handsome man who realy should use his airtime minutes on booty calls, not calls to poo-poo on a child's ego.

Look Alec, I know you're sorry. I just wanted to let you know I understand that we all loose our cool but please, verbally abusing your daughter is just gonna lead her to a life of either strippping or stand-up comedy- both involve baring in all on stage in hopes that someone will pay her a bit of that loving attention daddy never gave. Trust me, I know.

Perhaps somebody's soul could use a lil' saving? Hmmmmmm?

None the less, I still love you and your shweaty balls no matter what.


Love Always,
Giulia

Dear Mom at Naidres in Brooklyn,

Yes I am just another douchebag in here typing away on my laptop but really you and your 6 year old daughter are really going to LOUDLY play Monopoly in a coffee shop? Really?

You just screamed at your kid "No, no, NO! You owe me money for your income taxes!"

Income taxes? Age 6? It's not even Monopoly Jr. you asshole.

Really why don't you just yell " Everyone! Everyone please look at us! I am playing Monopoly with my 6 year old daughter. She's SOOOOOO smart, like a mini Donald Trump! Oh and I haven't been laid in 5 years since her father left me for someone with a soul!"

Love Always,
Giulia

Dear Dr. Officer Andy Baldwin (letter # 3, sorta) and the rest of the world,

I promised that every Tuesday I'd write to you and I have failed. Last night I forgot to Tivo the Bachelor! Recaps displayeed images and stories of injured ankles, drill sergeants, and mud spas. It looked like comedy gold and I was furious to have missed the show. Then I heard about the Virginia Tech shootings and for some reason missing your addictive pile diareha TV show suddenly seemed like a pretty fucking pathetic thing to get upset about.

I don't think I can say anything new about this terrible, scary, sad, devestating, and heart-breaking event. I have been reading what I can find online including these chilling blogs and video from students who experiences the shootings first hand. I cannot even understand what the fuck happen, what I do know that whatever reasons the shooter, Cho Seung-Hui gives for commiting this disgusting crime are completely irrelevant. There is no logical reason for such behavior. If you're in a bad mood and really need to shoot someone to feel better, please just shoot yourself you sick asshole. I was in a bad mood last week and I wanted to drink to feel better. I didn't pour vodka down the throats of innocent victims.

As I type this I am watching the press briefing from Virgnina Tech authorities and the police on CBS. Tears begin to fill my eyes. I am so sadden by how gross this world at times.

Then the news brief ends and we are returned to the reguarly sceduled programming already in progress. It's Entertainment Tonight and they are at the TV Land awards talking to older female celebs about staying thin. They interview Maureen McCormick about her getting slim secrets. Then they cut to the next story revealing exclusive photos from Dannielynn's photo album.

And then I just got sadder by how gross this world is at times.

Love Always,
Giulia



ps. I promise I'll be funnier tomorrow assuming there aren't anymore school shooting between now and then.

Dear Giulia,

You had one of those weeks where you got on your own nerves. Normally when someone is being an asshole you can just walk away, but you can't walk away from yourself. So you decided to get drunk for a few days. Afterall you are a fun drunk and you don't walk away from a fun drunk.

Except for when you called a girl an asshole for stealing your cab on Friday night and then turned to her friends who were still behind and screamed "yeah I called your friend asshole!" holding your arms in the air like youse aboutz to brawl. The girl and friends didn't even say a word back to you so basically you were arguing with yourself. That was not fun drunk behavior.

As I recount the thoughts and things about my week past I can't help but hear this song over and over again in my head.



While I realize that KRS-One, Stetsasonic, Kool Moe Dee, MC Lyte, Just-Ice, Doug E. Fresh, Heavy D, Public Enemy, and Ms. Melodie were rapping about anti-violence awareness raising half a million dollars for the National Urban League and not about the violence inside an immature 20-something with daddy issues, I am still going to embrace their anti-self destructive mantra. Oh and I like to find ways to make everything about me.

But I think I what really helped snap out this funky mood was watching the newest inspirational and classy VH1 new series Charm School. It was beautiful to see that VH1 has decided to cut back on it's trashy TV and really try and make an impact in the lives of these scantly-clad, violent, fame hungry women.

VH1 describes the show as "thirteen of your favorite breakout stars from "Flavor of Love" seasons one and two are back for some heated competition. Living as a group, learning as a group and out for themselves, these former Flavorettes will be rigorously trained in proper etiquette and manners before competing in challenges to determine their poise and grace under pressure."

Last night, Rain/Thela's destructive temper caused her to be first to get the boot.

I don't want to be Rain/Thela. Perhaps she and I can both embrace the words of the Stop the Violence All-stars

"I'll drive to build And collect
ourselves with intellect,
come on To revolve to evolve to self respect
Cause we got to keep ourselves in check
Or else it's...

Self Destruction, ya headed for Self Destruction
Self Destruction, ya headed for Self Destruction"

Word.

Love Always,
Giulia

Dear Hellmanns,

I just saw your new "Get real, get Hellmanns" commercial featuring a ethnically diverse array of folks spreading ( pun inteneded) the message that Hellmann's is a health food.
I am especially uncomfortable with your rethink mayo campaign. There is no need to rethink mayo when most of us don't like to think mayo in the first place. My college roommate was so grossed out by you that if our other roommates jar of mayo was blocking her beer in the fridge, she'd ask one of us to move it out of her way. She couldn't even touch a jar mayo, let alone rethink it. Creamy, stinky, gag-inducing, sour if used in a tuna sandwhich and left in the sun, fatty, mayo.
Wait, let me give mayo some consideration....
Yeah no, I don't wanna rethink it. I don't wanna think about mayo this much ever again.

Love Always,
Giulia

Dear Tyra, ( letter number #6)

Yesterday's episode was called "Can You Handle Brutal Honesty?"

The first segment was one of your infamous Tyra Show "social experiments" aka "putting your guests in compromising positions so you can force a result". You created a "focus group of four childhood friends, Jen, Simone, Schari, and Angela, to discuss the level of honesty in their relationship."

Ty, a focus group/social experiment/study whatever requires more than one group to study. A focus group requires a control group, stats, research! Not four chicks on bean bag chairs asking one another questions your producers wrote.

Dr. Banks scientific results of this focus group? "all four realized that they hadn’t been completely honest with each other. They also realized that they were good enough friends to push past any mess and in honesty, laugh and love their way to a more solid friendship."

Nice, take credit for the years of work these four friends have done to create a solid bond. Also nice is when you took a dump on their beautiful friendship by inviting Body Language Specialist Lillian Glass and Polygraph Technician John Groger, to monitor this focus group. Lillian claimed that "the girls’ body language was masking their internally unspoken and hidden thoughts."

This expert analyzation was followed by everyone, especially Tyra telling Simone that regardless of what she said, based on her body language, giggling, and your forced dramatics that Simone was jealous of her friends. You told her how she felt. she told her what she thought. You made her cry. You made her cry and then comforted her much an like an abusive boyfriend who punches his girl in the face and tells her she’s pretty.

Oh Tyra, you is so silly.

Love Always,
Giulia

Dear Donna Hogan,

Using Anna's fame and death to self books and gain media exposure?Gross.
You make me sad.
I think "the story behind Anna Nicole" is about a shitty sibling crawling up her ass once she got money.

Get it "behind" and "ass"? Anyone? No? Get it? Okay.

Love Always,
Giulia

Dear Andy Baldwin, ( letter #2)

As promised, here is my weekly letter to The Bachelor.
Thank you Officer Dr. Andy Baldwin for curing my case of the Mondays. You like that navy/doctor remark don’t ya? I know you do cause this season’s Bachelor is full of them!

The show started off with your two group dates. Before your first date you informed viewers at home that "operation soul mate is about to begin." (navy/doctor remark #1)

For group date #1 you and half the ladies went to the Saddle Ranch Chop Houseon Sunset Blvd. You said

"When you think of Hollywood you think of the Sunset strip. This is where it all happens!"

If you mean where underage wanna-be starlets get drunk at puke on one another, then yes you are at the right place.

Conveniently the bar was nearly empty at 4 o’clock in the afternoon so there was no line to ride the mechanical bull. One by one your bachelorettes straddled the beast as it vibrated and shook forcing thier breasts to bounce every which way.



When Tessa was thrown from the steed she cried “ I need a doctor!” (navy/doctor remark #2) And who ran to her side? None other than the Office and Gentleman himself!

After all that rough riding them bitches needed to get wet but first, a cocktail party is in order! The women were sent to a room to choose a gown for the event and then met you on the roof top of a hotel.



You repeatedly expressed your delight in being “surrounded by so many beautiful women” and how you must be “the luckiest man alive!” as you slid your hands up and down whatever female backside you could reach. I almost could see the little officer in your pants rising to attention but alas the stark whiteness of your teeth blinded me so.

Now back to getting wet.

Like any good navy man you know how to give orders, so you commanded your little love soldiers to go on! Get! Put on your swimsuits cause it ain’t no date if their ain’t no hot tub!

HOT TUB!
HOT TUB!
HOT TUB!



You greeted the bikini babes in the warm water with more “I’m surrounded by so many beautiful women” and “I must be the luckiest man alive!”

There were some moments where you had some “real connections” except for your one on one time with Tiffany W. (she's a medical equipment representative-ding ding ding it's Doctor related!). You found Tiff to be a bore, but later you made out with Bevin underwater and found her to be a whore! (How you like them, rhymes Dr? As in Dr. Seuss or perhaps Dr. Dre? Oh my! So many doctors!)

Quick everyone in the pool for a 5-some!!!



Alas the night and you both came to a close. Well I assume you came. I mean... you had to beat your navy noodle to a pulp after being “surrounded by so many beautiful women!” Come on admit it! Cum on! (jizz/dick remark #1)

Next up, group date #2. The second half of ladies were put to the test competing in a mini triathlon in hopes to win some one on one time with Athletic Officer Dr. Andy Baldwin.



There was cycling in bikinis. Swimming in bikinis. Erin and Susan holding hands as they walked the swim laps in bikinis. Running in bikinis.

Amber wins so you two do a lil’ canoodling on the beach both telling viewers at home that is was the most romantic thing ever! That sitting on the beach with a camera crew is the most romantic thing ever!




Wait a darn second, is that Andy or M-M-M-Max Hedroom?




And then, the best line ever spoken on the Bachelor, Amber talks about her athletic abilities saying “yeah I am preparing to run the 2007 Marathon!”

THE 2007 MARATHON! Oh my! Where is it held? In the capitol of 2007? Will you run down 2007 Street? Past 2007 Park?

Last but not least, you have a private date with Stephanie T. (She works as an organ donor coordinator. Dang all these bitches be all up in the medical field! )



As the winner of the initial rose last week she gets to join you on your yacht for dinner. The twist: she either gets s rose that night or goes home “never living out her dream of marrying a doctor!” After some nauseating re-enactments of scenes from the Titanic and some champagne sipping you go where else but to the HOT TUB! ( you must be all pruney by now, huh?)

Then, the second best line ever spoken in Bachelor history occurs when you ask Steph
“Do the girls in the house feel animosity toward you for getting that first rose?”

To which Stephoney replies
"Yes, the other girls are giving me animosity"

You immediately give her the rose.

The rest of the show is the cocktail hour/ rose ceremony. Yada yada “ I want a chance to let Andy know the real me.” Yada yada uncomfortable to watch foot massages exchanged with Tessa. Yada yada “will you accept this rose” Yada yada you send the virgin, the boring girl, and blonde #2 home. Yada yada you all toast as you say “I must be the luckiest man alive!”

Oh how I enjoy you Officer Dr. Ken!


Sorry, I meant Officer Dr. Andy


Love Always,
Giulia

Dear Judge Keith Dean,

Last week on 20/20 I saw a follow up report on the Tyrone Brown story. You recall Tyrone Brown don't you? He is the 34 year old man who spent the past 17 years of his life in jail for breaking his parole. After being arrested for stealing $2, you sentenced Tyrone to life in prison when he was caught with a joint. Does that all ring a bell?

Luckily ABC reported this disgustingly unjust situation thus helping Tyrone’s sentence to be overturned. I was in tears as I watched footage of Tyrone returning home as he expressed only gratitude and forgiveness without an ounce of bitterness or anger toward you. Not an ounce. How beautiful is that? That a man can forgive the gross monster who robbed him of his youth?


While I still think you are a heartless douchebag, I am going to try and learn by Tyrone’s example and forgive you and everyone else who is too stupid to be compassionate. (Note: this does not in any way indicate the death of deardouchebag.com. I mean a girl has gotta still speak her mind. I am just saying I forgive the douches of the world and am trying to become very peaceful in he fact that karma will work its magic on them someday).

Anyhoozers, good luck Tyrone! May you find happiness in your new world.

And I guess good luck to you Keith, may you find a way to live with the unimaginable guilt I hope you feel on a daily basis. Do us a favor and donate some money somewhere, do some volunteer whatnot, just do something to add some positivity back into this world. It’s the least you can do to make up for the joy you stripped from it.


Love Always,
Giulia

Dear Diane Degarmo,

I read in People Magazine that you dropped 3 dress sizes. Congrats! I also read that since you are now skinny you are excited to make music videos saying "Bring on the bikinis! Bring on the water hoses!"
Water hoses. Again, that's water hoses. As in, water hoses? Oh.

Love Always,
Giulia

Dear NYC Landlord,

I know it's April. I know last week it was 60 degrees. I know I stupidly packed away most of my heavy winter gear with the insane assumption that it was actually spring. I know that this burst of unexpected winter means that somewhere, Rosie O'Donnell is hanging upside down. I know it should not be this cold out right now but please, PLEASE turn the heat back on. I cannot shiver myself to sleep again tonight. And if my words don't inspire you, perhaps this will.



Oh, and while you're at it, don't forget to go fuck yourself.

Love Always,
A frozen Giulia

Dear Andy Baldwin,

Oh yes! Yes! Yes! YES! The Bachelor is back providing me with a guaranteed plethora of weekly douchery to discuss.

For this run The Bachelor decided to change things up a bit. Nooooooo, they don't have a Black, Hispanic or Asian bachelor-what are you nuts?! Ha ha! A non-white bachelor! Ha! That's a good one. Ha ha! But seriously folks, the good peeps at ABC got political and patriotic with this "The Bachelor, Officer and a Gentleman" in honor of you, this season's rich, white-breed, slightly fem, lucky bachelor; U.S. Navy Lieutenant Andy Baldwin, M.D.