Monday, July 31, 2006

Dear Iggnorant guy at the bagel shop,

I woke up Friday morning excited for a fresh whole grain bagel with lox tofutti cream chesse ( yup, that's how I roll) and was sickened by the cover story on every paper about the horrific murder of Jennifer Moore. The word douchebag does not even speak enough volumes to the sick and heartless people who commit such crimes but it does speak appropiately to youy Mr. Bagel store worker who in reference to the murder cover story said to another customer " I mean girls just can't walk around at night like that."
It is not women's behaviors that we should be focused but those of sick men who are on the prowl for woemn to abuse and murder. While I do my best to avoid bad situations, I have been harassed and threatened equally at 1pm and 1am. The NY Post did not help decrease this common "blame the victim" mentality by repeatedly reporting just how drunk Jennifer was and that she was " wearing a black halter top and white mini skirt."
And, not to mention the bagel guy is super skinny. He probably can eat a bagel for breakfast, lunch, dinner,and as abed-time snack and not gain an ounce. Damn you bagel douchey dude, damn you.

Love Always,

Friday, July 28, 2006

Dear Audience at Bar None in NYC,

Originally uploaded by Giulia1.
I hate you. I have no gusto to make this letter clever or cute because all I can think of is how badly I want to take big dumps in all of the beer kegs at Bar None so that you can all eat ( or drink) my shit.

I tend to hang around good people so when I do encounter a complete asshole (or in tonight's case, I encountered a bar full of assholes) I am taken a-back by their inhumane and retarded social skill set.

Let me start from the beginning.

I was invited to do a stand-up show by a lovely young woman who for some reason chooses, out of her own will to produce a show in the back room this frat house. The show began with the wonderfully talented show host being heckled by not one, not two, but at least 14 of you drunken infants as you slurred out nonsensical commentary. Why did you come to a comedy show only to scream out "you're not funny" to everyone who took the stage? You were yelling so loud it was as if tyou all were hoping your mammas and daddies would finally hear what you had to say but let's not kid ourselves, your parents don't love you. If they did love you they wouldn't have raised you to be such heartless self destructive attention needy pricks.

After a few comics endured your verbal tomato tossing, one of you actually tried to punch a comic in the face during his set. This was by far the most intelligent display of class. I especially liked that I was the only person to actually go and get a bouncer to break up the fight and then there was an actual debate as to whether or not the aggressive audience member should be kicked out.

It was really cute when you all cheered "asshole" as Rocky was escorted outside yet you all continued to be assholes for the remaining hour, especially the dickface who announced that he failed the bar exam.
I really admired the group of pubic hair sucking toolbags who played quarters the entire night. Please next time you attend a show can you play a louder more distracting adolescent game? Perhaps Operation? Comedians would just love to hear that buzzer as you try to remove the "funny bone" from the naked dude on the game board. Now that's comedy.

I really really really appreciated the little troll in the back who insisted on getting up, raising his arms in the air and yelling out " yeah, I like _____(fill in whatever comic onstage just said here)!" after everything anyone said. I really liked that when I turned to you and said " Please be quiet, it isn't nice to yell out like that" you got up and put your arms in the air and yelled "yeah, I like it when it isn't nice to yell out like that!"

I should have walked out of that bar at the first sign of danger. No stand-up comic needs to perform that badly that they will subject themselves to be berated by a room full of under achieving alcoholic chodes. I should have walked out but instead I walked onstage and had some quick-witted soon-to -be comedic star yelled out to me "you're fat" and then did not have the balls to own up to his remark. I just want you to know how original that insult was and that women are not told that enough.

I really liked when one of you called a comic a fag, and then another one of you called a comic a fag, and then another one called a comic a fag. Did you all write that funny joke yourselves?

I feel really good about myself, comedy, and the human race after that show. I really wish you all the best and hope that when you finally have gotten that dumb soon-to-be-date- raped lady friend of yours drunk enough to go home with you to your upper east side condo that your parents gave you for getting your GED, that your wiener becomes infected with a rare case of dick inferno causing your dink bursts into flames before you even stick it in.

Perhaps I was a bit harsh when onstage I offered to stick the mic stand up your mothers ass but hey, us hefty girls get testy when we haven't have enough doughnuts shoved into our mouths. I would have told you all to suck my dick but you are all too busy sucking your own. And to three ladies in the back, that "sucking your dick" remark is directed at you as well. Any chick who needs to wear that much lip liner must have a cock underneath those chinos.
Hopefully the next time the audience will be filled with nice normal folks who actually want to see a show.

Love Always,

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Dear Oliver,

July 2006 031
Originally uploaded by Brandy For Sale..
Yeah I'm talking to you, you neighborhood whore. Have you already forgotten about when you viciously attacked me? Well, I have not and I never will. What you did to me was similar to the Ana Farris cat attack scene in Scary Movie 2,except it was no movie, this is real life.
The small faint hard to find scratch scar near my palm will be a constant reminder of how I hate cats (except my friend Brandy's cat Nigel and cartoon Garfield. I do not like the new Garfield nor do I enjoy that Jennifer Love Hewitt \. Fear not, Garfield and Jenny Love will get thier own letter soon.)
Now after you dug your shit filled claws into my hand and I screamed "Get out of my fucking house you fucking fucker!" and chased you into my porch, locked you and aughed as you winced and howled, after all that, why would you even dare come into my ktichen last night? What do you like violence, because I will kill you. Okay I may not kill you but I will laugh hysterically when I find out my boyfriend fed you a nearly raw burger that fell off the grill. I will ham it up and over dramatically scream at you when you saunter into my home. Yup you sauntered. You saunter, I kill.
Look, I know you can't read or access the internet, actually if you are smart enough to know how to sneak into my house you can figure out how to surf the web. Bascially what I am trying to say is you are a douchebag and even if you never read this I will roll down my car windows and scream "douchebag!" at you as I contemplate running you over.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Dear Giulia,

Originally uploaded by Giulia1.
Did you know that it's like WW III in the middle east and you had no idea until your fiance told you on Monday? I knew you were a fan of "ignorance is bliss" but no one likes an ignorant douchebag.

Sorry, I know we read "The Four Agrreements" and " Seven Spiritual Laws of Success" and "Power of Now" and "Way of the Peaceful Warrior" and "Tao of Pooh" and "The Art of Happines" and through that we learned not to insult ourselves because self-love is the root of happiness and we cannot expect anyone else to love us if we do not love ourselves and that we should be precarious with our word and not speak negativly about who we are because we are a creation of God and a magical beautiful being and so on and so forth and let's stop this run-on sentence now.

But Giulia, I'm not insulting you and saying "you are not pretty" because that would be just mean and clearly untrue ( honestly girl, have you seen your hair today? That humidity has created some curly brilliance! Stick with me kiddo and with a few more months of the pilates and the spinning you will be not just pretty but gorgeous). What I am saying is - for Christ's sake go read a newspaper! Watch a little CNN. You're online right now, stop searching for ways to make money doing focus groups about powerbars and cell service and read some Yahoo news!

Wait, I'm so sorry you did try to read news and the top story was Pam Anderson and Kid Rocks engagement. That's right, Pam and Kid are bigger than Hezbollah and the crew. Honestly the only thing bigger is Pam Andersons boobies ( zigger number one) Actually tHezbollah and the Crew is a pretty catchy name for Tommy Lee's new band he is putting together with the help of that painful show Rockstar Supernova you stopped to watch last night. Plesae, stop thinking about how awful it was when Zayra sang "Everybody Hurts." Yes Zayra everybody does hurt, especially in thier ears when you are singing! (zinger number 2).

In this next paragraph I would appreciate it if you would not make any "zinger comments." They are lame, un-cute, and reminicent of certain poorly executed countdown show commentators. I realize you are blogging such "zingers" in an effort to create some sort of cyber-audition for the execs at one of the many pop-culture focused TV shows but "zingers" are not your thing Giulia. You have proven quite nicely you are capable of such "easy to follow and quick witted humor" and you have used way too many quotation marks in this paragraph. Stop talking Kid's Rock he gave to Pam,like rock as in engagement ring! Oh damn! ( zinger number three).

I just slapped myself inthe face.

So who is the bigger douchebag here? Is it you, Giulia for always being so in the dark about worldy stuff because frankly it is too sad and Giulia hates to frown? Is it "news" sites like for making celeb gossip more important than war? Is it Kid Rock for not looking like he showers? Is it that guy Hezbollah?

What? He's not a person? Oh that's the name of a group? I thought Hezbollah was the last name of the group leader and his nicknames were "Hez!" and "Hezzie" and "Hezzballs!" No?

I think it is clear that Giulia takes the douche cake today. Not only is Giulia a news idiot but she also was so wrong about all those mean things she said in her letter to The castof the Real World Keywest the other day. After last nights very special episode where Tyler revealed that his brother yelled at him growing up hence his reasoning for being a jerk and Janelle revealed that as long "you are real" with me "I'll be real with you" as her reasoning for now being Sveltlana's bff and Jose revealed that he still has no storyline except for working out and drinking, I forgive all your douchey actions and retract my previous douche acusations.

But the number one reason for Giulia being the douche of the day is because she is blogging a letter to herself. Seriously after you read the newspaper Giulia, go call a friend or something.

I still think you are very pretty.

Love always,

Monday, July 17, 2006

Dear Makers of Crocs

Originally uploaded by Giulia1.
Thanks so much for creating the ugliest shoe phenom since stark white Keds. Really, I get a big chuckle that all over the nation, people are walking around in "water clogs" apparently unaware at how stupid they look. Actually, I'm not sure who is a bigger douche, the designer or the consumer?

Maybe your intentions were good ( I think) in trying to design a shoe that is both practical( water friendly) and fun(?). But why must shoes that go into water be fun? Why are people even in need of shoes to wear in the water? How much walking in water are people doing?

Maybe you knew these shoes were ugly little bastards all along, and you just wanted to pull a fast one over America.

These "Crocs, of shit" shoes remind me of plastic swiss cheese.I don't like to associate cheese with feet. Must I explain more?

Anyhoo, congrats of your douchebag design. I look forward to the debut of the "Ocean-friendly Ugg" next summer.

FYI, regular clogs were never that cool to begin with.

Love always,

Friday, July 14, 2006

Dear Lady at the fruit store

Madam, I hope you were successfully in getting your mangos and corn before the world exploded. Oh what? Oh the world was not going to explode? Oh my bad, I assume it so since you charged past me as I tried to chase the runaway peach I knocked over before rolled out the door of the fruit and into the street. Luckily I am young and agile and saved the peach from becoming another victim of rolling out the door. Have we already forgotten what happen to my poor meatball when he rolled out the door?

Now most people, should they have been standing right next to the door, would have stopped the peach from even getting as far as it did. I am not expecting a Gabriel Reese style dive to the ball here but perhaps a simple turn of the foot to intercept the peaches path. Maybe you and the peach were in cahoots to plot a fruit escape like they do in sitcoms where bleeding heart activists release animals from science labs and that was why you didn't even move out of the way when you clearly saw me desperately trying to prevent the peach from exiting the store. Or maybe you are just a douchebag. I am guessing the later.

You are probably one of those people that if Maury Polvich was doing one of those shows where he had set up a fake kidnapping and had hidden cameras taping to see who would actually stop to help you'd be the douchebag to keep on walking cause it is so very urgent that you get your corn and mangos. It would have been one thing if you didn't see the peach roll out of my hands and towards the exit, but you paused, looked at me, watched the peach roll away and then pushed yourself in my way to grab your three ears of corn and fur mangos.What the hell are you going to make with corn and mangos? Corn and mangos with a side of douchebag? Corn and mango douche dip? A corn and mango douchey dessert?

So in the off chance you google "Corn + peach escape + douchebag" and see this letter I'm just want to make you aware that you are an asshole and I don't care that you were fat and urban looking and that you could probably kill me just by exhaling a deep breath in my direction, it felt good to mutter the words "fucking douchebag" under my breath, quietly, as I crossed my arms and pouted exiting the store, and I then I came back to my office and wrote to you using lots of run-on sentences and multiple grammatically inappropriate comas.

Hope you get the runs from all that mango.

Love always,

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Dear Readers,

No I am not calling you douchebags, that would be just plain silly. I mean, I am sure some of you are douchey. Hey, we are all douches at times and I want a place to call people out at the height of the douchebagginess.

Now as an intelligent, respectable, feminist I thought I should shun the word douchebag. Calling a person a "douchebag" doesn't even make sense, it's a feminine hygiene product. But if I am going to argue the validity of insulting terminology I should also question how it makes sense to call someone a: dick, dickweed, asshole, bitch, bastard, fuck-face, motherfucker, tool, tool-bag, boob, dildo, and so on and so forth. These words in their definition really don't make much logical sense as insults? What does it exactly mean to be called a tool? Not in slang termnology but in actual English standards? How can a person be a dildo? What does a dickweed even look like?

So if I am going to accept the previously mentioned words as justifiable insults separate from their actual meaning than I will finally embrace the term douchebag.

The ridiculous nonsensical reasoning of calling someone a douchebag actually gives it an appealing mysterious power. Calling a person a douchebag makes so little sense that it will bewilder the recipient of the title. I want the people I call douchebags to ask themselves "douchebag? Why am I a douchebag? What does that even mean?" thus sending them into a deep self reflective analysis which hopefully will cure them of the douchedom. Or it'll just make them mad which is equally as fun.

Plus the word douchebag sort of just rolls off the tongue nicely. Go on say it, douchebag. Say it again, douchebag. Call the person next to you a douchebag and see what happens. If you are in your cubicle at work then shut up, because screaming out the word "douchebag" in the office makes you look like the douchebag.

Why am I creating this blog? Between TV, the internet, and real live actual interaction with people I meet douchebags daily and this is my cyberspace to tell them how much of a douchebag they are. Perhaps the douchebag in question will never read my letter but it will entertain me and hopefully entertain you.

Man, that last sentence really made me sound like the douchebag.

Welcome to Dear Douchebag!

Love always,