Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Dear Jimmy,

Originally uploaded by Giulia1.
In 7th grade I really liked you and you said you like me, we frenched, and then you dumped me right after. I was pretty sad but continued to be obsessed with you for almost two years to follow. Yes, I was one of "those girls" the one who made their dads drive a certain way home so that I could try to sneak a peek in to your window. That girl who would call you and hang up when you answered. That girl who wrote about you almost everyday in her diary. I used to be embaressed about being that girl, but now that my diary, all about you, me, us is published in the Mortified book ( in bookstres TODAY!!!) I am proud to have been such a dorky wacko as I now join dozens of other dorky wackos featured in one of the funniest books I have ever seen.
Jimmy, thank you so much for being so mean to me and giving me such ridculousness to write about. I hope you are still a slimy Greek cheeseball.
Love Always,

Monday, November 27, 2006

Dear Giulia,

So you haven't written much in the past few days. Totally understandable, it was Thanksgiving weekend. This does not make you a douche.
You got completely trashed on Saturday night. Totally understandable, it was your highschool reuinon. This does not make you a douche.
However on your way to a post-reuinon party you peed on a residential street in your hometown. Um, that's not so understandable. Actually it's pretty tasteless you silly ol' D.
At least your hair looked good.
Love Always,


Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Dear Michael Richards,

I am very sorry for calling you Kramer when I saw you at the Knitting Factory in Hollywood back in 2003. I had met you a few weeks prior at the Comedy Store after I followed your interesting rant about dogs and leashes. You introduced yourself as Michael Richards, shook my hand and we chatted very briefly. You probably don't recall the exchange. I do recall you were very polite. Then a few weeks later, as I walked into the women’s restroom of the Knitting Factory I saw you.

Me: "Heyyyyy!"
You: " Heyyyyy!" (smiling)
Me: "I met you a few weeks ago at the Comedy Store, good to see you!"
You: "Yeah! Alright"
Me: " Have a great night Kramer"
You: "Okay" (walking quickly into the restroom)
My boyfriend: "GIULIA! You just called him Kramer!"
Me: " No I didn't, I called him Michael. I met him a few weeks ago. Remember?"
My boyfriend: "Well, you just called him Kramer."
Me: "No. Really? Oh no. Did I?"
My boyfriend: "Yeah, you did"

I share this story in light of your little burst of crazy the other night at the Laugh Factory in to prove a point. Now, we all (yourself included) already know that what you did was really really dumb. I mean, websites, blogs, news channels, TV shows, radio programs, newspapers, magazines, all know what you did was dumb. Like everyone is clearly aware that it was dumb. We get it, it was really really dumb. Like dumb. But this is not a letter reinforcing how douchey your behavior was, this is letter reinforcing that constantly calling an actor by their TV character name does in fact drive them loopy.

Every news piece that has talked about your incident has called you Kramer.
"Kramer gets crazy"
"Kramer goes koo koo"
"Is Kramer in the KKK?"

Guess what, Kramer didn't do anything. Kramer is a wacky neighbor on a sitcom, Michael Richards is a comic who lost his cool and crossed a line. It's like no matter what you do, good or bad, Kramer gets the credit.

Alright look, as a person who has dealt with my a few hecklers in my day I understand how being screamed at while trying to tell jokes can drive a performer to the edge. Everyone has insecurities and comics choose to put those insecurities on blast every night and to have someone yelling at you, well it's like pouring alcohol over those exposed wounds. And no, that doesn't give you the right to go and scream racial slurs at people ( often my aproach to hecklers is tearing up and saying " Please don't hurt my feelings" not sure that would work for you though.)
While I may understand the anger that hecklers ignite. I do not understand what it must be like to be referred to by your TV character name for the rest of your life. (But I will gladly experience that if anyone reading this wants to make me a TV character). And while you chose to be a performer, thus taking the chance of loosing your identity in the characters you portray I do think that before we write you off as a complete asshole we first and for most call you by your proper name.
Maybe this letter should be to the media and not to you. Or maybe this letter is silly since you may actually like being called Kramer and thus my point is not valid. Anyhoo, what I am trying to say is I am sorry I called you Kramer and I hope this is not my fault. This is also a way of me saying I think everything somehow relates to me and I hope that I had a part in something dramatic and pop-cultury.
Oh celebrity-hood, the things you do to us.

Love Always,

ps. Wait a second, are you friends with this chick?

Monday, November 20, 2006

Dear Everyone obsessed with Tom and Katies wedding,

I get it - they are Scientologists and had a big wedding. Let's get over it now, shall we?

Honestly why aren't we talking about the more interesting Tom Cat? The one that is always chasing Jerry. Now that's an interesting love affair.For over 60 years they've been playing hard to get and they never look old, talk about a Hollywood power couple!

Perhaps you folks should spend a little more time making yourselves seem lovable on your E-Harmony profile instead of wetting yourselves over the Cruise/Holmes union.

Love Always,

PS. For those of you who know my history with cats, you may be questioning the sincerity of my professed admiration for Tom of Tom & Jerry, understand that Tom is a harmless cartoon cat not a viciously creepy animal therefore in my book he is cool. You may even say a cool cat.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Dear OJ, Fox and Humankind (again)

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhh, I am still mad from yesterday. Thanks for hindering my abilty to write about other a-holes and blocking my creativity.

Damn you,

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Dear OJ or Fox or Humankind,

Just when I thought things were looking up for the country, I have found yet another reason to rock back n' forth crying as I read my morning paper. Now normally I limit my bitching to once a day but I am appalled, disgusted, shocked, embarrassed, horrified and scared over the fact that OJ Simpson is going to give an interview on FOX about how he would have committed the murders. No fucking lie, this is for real?
I am not sure who I am more terrified by, OJ for being an evil, wife-beating, pycho. Fox News for actually allowing such filth on air. Or the people that you know will watch this atrocity. While I am all for driving slow by car wrecks, I will not watch this shit and I implore others to do the same. Media is supply and demand and apparently America is hungry for a good "I killed two innocent people and got away with it" story.
We sit around and point fingers at the inhumane actions made by those in other countries yet we bathe ourselves in glorified shit as long as it comes out of the assholes of celebrities or pop icons. And while the constant barrade of tabloids and gossip smothers us daily, but allowing OJ to discuss how he "would have" killed and the fact that he has a $3.5 million book deal is beyond the final straw. OJ Simpson is profiting from murder and we are the ones who let it happen. Why the fuck are people still interested in this shmuck anyway? Are our lives so damn pathetic that the life of a murdering football has-been is a constant item of interest? OJ Simpson belongs in jail, not on our book shelves or TV.

Nauseated Always,

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Dear Roman Catholic Bishops,

I think it's great that you are making an attempt to reach out to gays. I realize it's going to take time to try to change years and years of strict thinking. However saying "it's not a sin to be attracted to someone of the same sex -- only to act on those feelings" sort of throws everything for a loop. I guess that's why I'm often attracted to the idea of going to church every Sunday-- but rarely act on those feelings.

Love Always,

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Dear Website,

While I have never claimed to be a pioneer in the use of the word douchebag I was surprised to see just how many blogs are dedicating themselves to douches of the world. From a very simple google search I discovered the popular www.bestweekever.tv and qwww.gawker.com each have their own "douche of the day" type of blog post as well as various other lesser known sites like www.bigdouchebag.com, www.douchebagoftheweek.blogspot.com and www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com.
I guess creating a site called " Dear Douchebag" means I up the cool and hip trends? (Unlike in 7th grade when I got what I thought was a "cool" new Contempo Casuals tie-dyed reversible bubble jacket) But screw trends, I wanted to create a place where I can bitch, point, laugh, stomp my feet and invite others to do the same and now I am feeling like a douche for over-using the word douche.
Besides, do I really want to associate my name with the word "douchebag"? Well, yes for now. I guess. Oh life is so hard.
This site was born during a solo debate over the idiocracy of the term douchebag. If you scroll down to my very first entry I admit my co-current distain for the word along with my secret attraction toward it's stupidity. I thought the preface of the "Dear" added a bit of charm, class, sensitivity. A way to say " baby I ain't mad at you" before I smacked that baby in the face.
Often when something becomes too popular I tend to shy away from it. Like as soon as I found out everyone else also loved Mike Seaver I took a liking to his best friend Boner. ( Note to frequent readers: Yes, I realize this is in fact the second reference to the Growing Pains character Boner in the past week. Lay off). But I am going to stick with Dear Douche. The name douche may be overdone but I make an effort to call people assholes, pricks, meanies, jerk-offs, and lame-os on this site as well. You know, spice things up. So until another double-consonant site name rings bells in my ears ( Dear Do-Do, Dear Donkey, Dear Dumbo, Dear Dickweed, Dear Diarrhea Face, Dear Dink...) Dear Douche you shall remain, but of course I am open to suggestions.

Love Always,

Friday, November 10, 2006

Dear Yahoo,

All you gave me today were 12 spam messages and a newsletter. Are you keeping all those emails from my friends and admirers away from me? It feels like 1992 and I got on my black Z. Cavaricci pants and my B.U.M. sweatshirt, but no one is calling to invite me to the mall.

Love Always,

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Dear Registered voters who aren't voting today,

Originally uploaded by Giulia1.
Once upon a time a young political hopeful wanted to be elected to her Junior High’s student council. She and her unofficial campaign manager came up with catchy campaign slogans of “Giulia for student council, she’s going to rule-ya!” and “Vote for Giulia, she’s coolia to rule the schoolia.”

She and her friend spent hours taping little “vote for Giulia” stickers on sticks of gum which she later handed out to her fellow classmates in hopes they’d give her their vote. (Instead most kids just gave her a hard time demanding second and third pieces of gum).

And while this little girl lost the election two years in a row, finally getting the hint in eighth grade that she was not in fact “coolia.” But, even though she lost the elections, she did win the belief that voting is important, even if it makes the loser feel like horse poop.

I find it hard to believe there are actually any of you out there. I mean in this day in age, who what American citizen would not vote?
But just in case, I thought I'd write you a note to let you know your non-voting behavior is rather douchey. I realize ads such as the one of Mariah may actually be a turn-off to the voting process, I mean with the implication that one must stick out their boobies and un-button their pants before stepping into the ballot. But fear not, you can keep your knickers on at the polls. Or if going sans slacks will get you to vote, then go bottomless (although I'm not sure you'll be allowed in) In any case just go vote.

Even if you just go, get your ballot and entertain yourself by filling in the names of old sitcom characters in the "write-in candidate" section. ( Felipe Gomez for governor, Mrs. Rossini for lieutenant governor, Richard 'Boner' Stabone for treasurer) just go vote!
You have the power to decide who will “rule-ya!”

Love Always,