Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Dear Beavers,

I throughly enjoyed this retarded headline written about you on yahoo- 1st Beaver spotted in NYC in 200 years. Yes it made me laugh. And yes it is because I have the sense of humor of a 13 year old boy.
Love Always,

Monday, February 26, 2007

Dear Powers that be,

For the love of Christ PLEASE just bury Anna Nicole Smith next to her son already! I cannot handle another breaking news update regarding her decomposing body! Yes, decom-freakin-posing! Hasn't this poor girl been through enough? And it would also be super cool if the news stopped referring to her past behavior instead of her name, ie: calling her the former topless dancer . Gross, gross and gross.
Love Always,

Friday, February 23, 2007

Dear Naked Lady without high heels in the gym locker room,

Wow, it’s been a while since you trotted about the gym locker room naked wearing high heels. I almost missed you. Almost. Not really. But it was nice to see you again yesterday especially because it seems that perhaps you found this site and you took my advice by ditching the stilettos! Yeah! And you put on panties! Yeah! However you purposely wore your panties with the back pulled down so you could still show off you very orangey tanned, shapely 40 + year old butt! Boo!
Some could argue that your undies were down by accident, but I saw you on a few occasions adjust the pull down by tucking the top panty elastic under your tush to show off your backside as you blew dry your hair. I’m not sure what the point of your 20 minute mooning was, nor do I understand why one must squat repeatedly while blow drying ones hair causing ones exposed crack to smile and frown, smile and from, smile and frown at the audience of unsuspecting fellow locker mates.
I can’t believe I am going to say this but I almost miss it when you were just nude and in heels. I mean at least going for the naked thing 100% was less obvious, but the pulled down panty thing just bewildered me.
Once again, I beg of thee to keep the naked body flaunting to a bare ( pun intended) minimum. I don’t like to be around assholes, and yesterday you forced me to be surrounded by two.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Dear Lily Allen,


My love letter of the week goes to you Ms. Lily Allen. If I had a voice, tone, rhythm, song writing ability, and a freaking sweet British accent I would have wanted to be you. Sadly the closest thing I can come to pop/ska sensation is having cool intro music play when I come onstage to tell silly stories or dumb jokes. In case you were wondering, yes most comics are tone deaf rockstars at heart.
But enough about my musical- retardation, back to you and your overall awesomeness. I liked you from the moment we became good pals on
(okay fine, rather when I sent you a friend request and you accepted. You accepted me. ) Then I saw you perform at Webster Hall a few weeks ago and I was smitten. You wear sweet-ass dresses and kick-ass gold jewelry, you get drunk onstage but can still carry a phenomenal note and you sing adorable songs about revenge, gross creepy dudes and tiny wieners. At to top it all off, you included a puppet in your music video for Alfie.

A freaking puppet! It’s like you knew about my puppet obsession and thought “what could I do to make Giulia love me more? Hmmmm puppets! That’s it! I’m gonna kick it with a puppet.”
Really the only thing left to make me think you are any cooler is to hang out with me. Ha ha!
No really, please hang with me.

Love Always,

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Dear People working on VH1's The Agency,

I am not at all surprised that VH1 has a new unscripted show called The Agency which follows the folks at Wilhelmina, one of the top modeling agencies in the world. I was not surprised that the agents dissected potential models calling some of them ( thin ones mind you) “ fat cow” and “Pillsbury dough boy.” I was not surprised that some of those mean agents weren’t that attractive themselves. I’m not surprised that the modeling industry is harsh, cut throat and sad. Nope none of the above is a surprise.

What did surprise me was that the during the shows end credits, they split the screen to show an eating disorder PSA featuring a girl looking in the mirror as stats on the alarming number of girls under 10 who are on diets rolled down the screen. Talk about trying to cover your ass. You just spent 25 minutes showing us why so many girls are dangerously dieting as you called skinny models fat and glamorized an industry that helps create poor body image and eating disorders in the first place, then you try to make up for it by showing a short eating disorder PSA at the end? On a tiny split screen no less? It's like the Ku Klux Klan burning a cross on your lawn and then sending you a pink flamingo and garden gnome to cover up the burn-damaged grass. It's like raping a girl then offering her a towel and counseling.It's like Hitler killing millions of Jews and then sending any of their surviving family members some nifty fruit baskets. Shall I go on? Cause I could go on all day. Basically you beat us up, and then offered us a fucking band aid.

If you want to promote a body obsessed culture, go for it but do not then act like you care when little girls are starving themselves to be accepted by that culture.

Ooooooh you guys make me almost as mad as Spencer from The Hills on MTV. Almost.

Love Always,

Monday, February 19, 2007

Dear folks at thecelebritycondition.com,

You have some posts expressing concern about eating disorders in Hollywood and the media's obsession with thinness and then you have a shitload of other posts dedicated to making fun of celebrity weight gain. Maybe I am crazy but I just don't get what your point is? Are you against the fat/thin obsession or just adding to it?

Will we ever start to worry more about taking care of our own bodies instead of of judging the bodies of others?

Love Always,

Dear Everyone freakng out about Brittney's hair,

Deep breaths ya'll, deep breaths. So Britney shaved her hair off, big woop. You didn't see this kind of madness when Telly Savalas shaved his head.

Telly Savalas. You know Kojak. Huh? What's that? Oh he didn't shave his head? Oh.

Well none the less, I for one sorta find it refreshing to see a young hollywood star without platinum extentions. Remember how well-liked Sinead O'Connor was. Maybe she wanted to match her baby's hairdo. Maybe she took the mom haircut too far. You know that mom do that middle-aged women always seem to get. Or maybe she just felt like doing it and it's really none of our bussiness. For God's sake, it's her poragative or have we already forgetten Brits words?

What? Oh that was originally Bobby Brown's song? Dammit.
Point is, yeah Brittney may be having some issue and I doubt everyone attacking her, watching her and debating over her mental health is really going to help her feel better. Psychiatrist Dr. Carole Leiberman said in an interview about Brittney that- When women have had a big disappointment and are angry, they might end up taking it out on themselves. It's a form of self-mutilation, whether cutting their wrists, cutting themelves somehow, or burning themselves. Oh really Carol? Shaving your head is self-mutilation? I think a buzz cut is less painful to Brit than the media attack she's been getting for the past few years.
Maybe everyone should worry about thier own stupid fucking hair instead of obsessing over Brittney's, I mean you know how many bitches with feathered hair I see buying US Weekly? Yeah, I said feathered.
Love Always,

Friday, February 16, 2007

Dear Julie,

I called you today at 800-USA-RAILS when my Amtrak train was delayed almost 3 hours. I called you again when that same train was stuck in CT due to engine issues. Both times you did everything you possibly could to make me avoid speaking to a real live person. You kept mistunderstanding background noises as replies to your silly queries and then had the nerve to ask if I said the wrong destination city! Oh I know where I am headed, do you? Huh? Do you know where you are headed Jules?
Do you even want to be there Julie? With that sweet, sweet voice I can't imagine you like telling folks that their travel plans are dead. Is Amtrak holding you hostage and making you talk all that shmack? Do you need our help Julie? When you say "Are you headed to Washington DC?" really the code phrase for "help"?
Once again, I am afraid that the robots are going to take over.
Love Always,

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Dear Thieves,

Having a creative idea stolen from you is one of the worse feelings in the world. Last year my fiancés pitched a show to a TV station. The network passed on his idea and a year later that network debuted an extraordinarily similar show with out giving the original creator credit. This happens all the time. Recently Bud ran an ad during the Superbowl that was suspiciously similar to a sketch originally done by the NYC based sketch group "The Whitest Kids You Know." A year ago the fantastically adorable Johnny Cupcakes refused to sell his shirt idea to Urban Outfitters, soon after Johnny's design was created and reproduced regardless. Think of any popular stage show, TV show, movie or book and there is sure to be one of you copycats feeding off the hard work of the original. It's gross, its sad and its scary. It makes me not want to share my ideas with others, post anything online or even get on stage and perform for fear that you will rip me off. While I realized we are influenced by one another and it's inevitable that people will have similar ideas, it heart wrenching to watch you blatantly take because you are too lazy, too talentless, too heartless to create your own original work.

That all said I was blown away by this video of Joe Rogan confronting Carlos Mencia about his suspected stealing of numerous jokes from various comedians. Stealing in stand-up is perhaps the most common form of creative robbery and the hardest to prove since most stand up is not copy written. While I have no idea if Carlos Mencia is one of you thieves I did used to work at Comedy Store years ago and I knew most of the guys in this video including Joe Rogan and have faith in their words. Regardless I am just glad that somebody is speaking out about the deceitful and tacky practices that go on in the comedy and creative world in general.

Luckily karma will eventually take back twice as much as you thieves originally took.

Love Always.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Dear Everyone,

It's Valentines day so I thought I'd write you all a note to say I love you. Now go on and show someone you really care and buy them a plastic rose from the gas station.
Love Always,

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Dear G train,

Thanks for slamming your emergency breaks, stalling for almost 30 minutes at the Flushing stop and giving me laryngitis last night! ( Okay fine you didn't give me laryngitis but I have it and I want to blame someone/thing for it).
An even bigger thanks goes to the creepy and sweaty yo-yo-yo G who was leering at me for those 30 minutes as I hyperventilated, thus making my chest go up and down, up and down, up and down. Both of you give the beautiful letter G a bad rap.
Love Always, the better G (iulia)

Friday, February 09, 2007

Dear Aries Spears,


In an effort to maintain my promise to write one letter of loving praise a week ( yes there are in fact, awesome people out there doing awesome things) I just wanted to let you know that I think you are pretty neat.

Thank you to my adorable pal Harry for forwarding me this video and thank you to you Mr. Spears for blowing my mind with your talent.

Love Always,

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Dear Metro,

This morning you reported that Anna Nicole jumped on a trampoline drunk when pregnant? Is this really news worthy? I'm just curious if you feel even a twinge of guilt that Anna Nicole Smith died today, the same you said "Considering Anna Nicole Smith has the common sense of a liquored-up doorknob." Not to say you specifically killed her, but the media in general has done a nice job killing lots of people's souls.
Hmph. I am seriously considering moving back into my mothers womb. Please come get me when the world becomes a nicer place.
Love Always,

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Dear Button Pusher,

Yesterday at the gym I pushed the button to call the elevator. The button lit up, meaning the elevator is on it's way. Apparently you have some sort of magic touch as you felt the need to re-push the already lit button as if the elevator will come faster now that the button master has summoned its services. You pushed it repeatedly as if multiple pushes speeds things up.
You also like to compulsively push crosswalk buttons after someone else has clearly done so already, yet again you seem to believe your touch is superior.
You give new meaning to the saying "he/she really pushes my buttons." Not that they are my buttons per se, but I did push them first so lay off.
Now do you understand why I didn't acknowledge your comment about "Oooh it's chilly out huh?" when we finally entered the elevator? I don't make small talk with pushy douches. Actually I don't make elevator small talk in general, unless the elevator gets stuck ( God, don't let it get stuck) our relationship is guaranteed to only last a max of 30 seconds so there is no need to speak to me. I digress, that's another letter all together.
One day, you will push too far and then you'll see.
Love Always,

PS. Just to clarify, I realize the stupidity in taking an elevator to the gym but it's the only way to get to my gym. Really I would take the stairs and get that extra minute of cardio if I could but the only steps available lead to an emergency exit that has an alarm. I am not lazy! Stop calling me lazy!

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Dear Random rocker who "MySpaced" me,

I know that MySpace is a social networking site where you can meet new people and connect and blah blah blah but sorry, I do not create friendships with robots. Meaning I do not accept folks like you who send out lame form letters like the one pasted here that are so obviously generated by the masses and sent blindly to as many people in the area in which you are promoting yourself.

Hi Giulia !!

How are you doing ??

I´m a professional guitar player from Brazil, and I´m planning a New York tour to divulgate my album. I´m working with a NY´s Entertainment Company that is making my management.

I would like to invite you to take a look in my material, and if you like, I´ll be very glad with your presence in my shows !!!

Hugs !

I deleted your name as I do not believe in defamation but I wanted to share your letter just to pint out a few do's and don't's of MySpace musician /band solicitations.

1) Do not ask "how are you doing?" What would you do if everyone actually replied to your stupid letter telling you exactly how they are doing? Would you cancel your big New York City tour to respond to the flood of feelings shared? Do you really care how I am doing or do you care how I am doing while at your super cool guitar show?

2) Do not use words like "divulgate." Not sure if it was you or your Babblefish translator that picked such a non-rock n' roll word to use instead of the more common word "promote" but it made my skin crawl. I can only imagine what your song lyrics are like.

3) Do not try to woo me with mention of "NY's entertainment company that is making your management." I am not impressed. Go to Craiglist and you will find a zillion "NY entertainment companies" with a boner to "make management" for any shlump dumb enough to sign up for their "entertainment" seminar, management program, agency fee, scam, etc, etc. And not to harp on your terrible language skills, but come on. As the daughter of two immigrants I am totally understanding of peeps with poor English, but my parents aren't on MySpace annoying folks with their poor English, they just annoy waitresses and telemarketers with their poor English. I mean really did Borat write this letter? Are you pulling a wacky Borat impression on me? I hear Borat impressions are really original these days.

4) Do not say "if you like, I’ll be very glad with your presence in my shows!!!" I would not like, so does that mean you won't be glad? Because the way you phrased it you are saying it's up to me if you can be glad and frankly that's a hefty decision for a stranger to make. You are already asking me to be your fake cyber friend, come to your show and now you are asking me to decide the fate of your happiness? You move fast in relationships huh?

5) If you are a rockstar do not, I repeat DO NOT sign your messages "hugs." It's not very hardcore and it's a lie. When is this hug supposed to take place? After I "look at your material" or before I decide if I would like you to be happy? We are not hugging. Never.

Look I am all for uniting the world, making peace, and boosting our broken adolescent egos via the magical world of internet friendship networking sites, but I cannot accept tackles, friend hungry, self-promoting, wanna-be rockers with terrible grammar. Even in fake friendships I have my standards.
Now please, there is big Hollywood producer who is going to agent my career and you if you wish, check out my comedy videos and make nice with my funny or I cry. Neck kisses and butt squeezes!!!

Love Always,