Monday, April 30, 2007

Dear Smooching Couple on the Subway,

Yeah that's right, I was blasting Brittney Spears "I'm a Slave for You" on my Ipod and I am not asshamed! Don't think I didn't notice you two whispher and knod toward me, giggling and judging. I may sound paranoid but a person just knows when they are being talked about. I saw how you both jumped out of your neck nuzzles as Brit belted "can I get, can I get, whoaaaa..." Then you both smirked and sneared. I saw! I SAW!

So I turned down my volume and tried to listen in on your asshole-ishness. You noticed and presumably heard me turn down my pop magic and immediately changed the topic saying something about politics. Or maybe you were saying "Oh look that dumb girl is listening to cheesy pop tunes she must be too stupid to care about politics!"

You people make me sick. Don't you have other things to worry about like how gay you look sharing eskimo kisses? I mean it's a good fucking song okay? And if I wanna mouth the words and do the head swoop move like in the video it's my bussiness. And if I want to watch myself in the window reflection as I mouth the words and do the head swoop move like in the video it's my bussiness. And if I want to pant like a dog in heat during the "haahaahaa" heavy breathing part of the song as I watch myself in the window reflection as I mouth the word and do the head swoop move like in the video, it's my bussiness you caddy, immature turds!

Then, like a big girl, I put on Eminem's "Way I Am" super duper loud.

Yeah, I showed you.

And on that note...

Love Always,

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Dear Giulia,

You are a liar.
You an indecisive liar with no will power.

So you got some comment and a bunch of emails from readers complimenting your writing on this here site and asking you not to stop you not to quit blogging and you gave in! You gave in as if your readers are going to kill themselves if your stupid blog dies. You wish you were so special. I mean no offense Giulia, I am sure another sexy, sassy, sweet blog would swoop in and eventually win your old readers hearts over after you dumpd their asses. But none the less, you have decided to keep lil' dear douchebag going. Even though you are so sick of the word douchenbag. Even though the word douchebag is grossly overused. Even though you are getting busier lately and may not be able to write daily, you still can't kill your blog. I mean what else does one do wth all that Tyra rage?

So here's the deal, let's just write letters when we wanna. It may not be everyday but it will be often enough to make your awesome readers smile and prevent you from drinking yourself to death while reading US Weekly.

Really, was this a lame attempt at a publicity stunt? A lame bloggosphere publicity stunt?

Welcome back asshole.

Love Always.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Dear Douchebag,

The time has come. I am breaking up with this blog. We lasted just under a year and boy was it fun.

I have really enjoyed ranting and sometimes sharing some love but now I am moving on to other things like trying to write and create for magazines and sites that not only pay (sometimes, just a little, pennies really) but magazines and sites that people actually read! ( Not to poo poo on you all, my 60+ a day readers).

Oh how I wanted to at least last through this season of the Bachelor but I just couldn't do it.

I'm also really, really, really sick of the word douchebag. Once upon a time in June 2006 I was visiting my friend Danielle at her office and we began talking about people. I got really heated about somebody that made me mad ( probably Tyra Banks) and called that person a douchebag ( it was just the start of the douche craze). Then it hit me! I am going to do something radically different online! Start a new blog! (cause the world needs more blogs!) And on that blog I will write letters to people who annoy me and I shall call those letters Dear Douchebag. Nice ring to it, huh? Brilliant, I tell you.

Since then I have discovered a plethora of letter writing sites and douchebag entiltled sites. (Hey, I never claimed to be super original). And just like when everyone in highschool got a crush on boy X, I decided I hated boy X and this blog has become boy X. Well I don't wanna make out with my blog name and marry it. I mean. Well you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean? Do I even know what I mean?

(This all makes sound pretty douchey, huh? Oh well, write me a letter about it)

Plus, I am a terrible speller and my Safari browser on my Mac disables my blogger spellcheck. I mean really people, this is taking up too much energy.

So anyhoo I'm out. Please visit for updates on where and when I'll be talkin' shit and writin' shit. I've got an article coming out in Playgirl next month and some other things in the works so please check my site for all that fun stuff. Also starting in May you can find me blogging for in the lifestyles section.

And to all those peeps I've written to over the past 10 months that I may have insulted, this one's for you...

I will miss you so very much.

Love Always,

PS. Today's Tyra is a special "So What!" episode about her "So What" positive body image campaign. In this episode Tyra said "I love Pinks hotdogs and usually I eat them without the bun but tonight I plan to get one with the bun! SO WHAT!" Then a girl came on and blew up her scale.Thankyou Tyra, what a lovely way to end my blog.

Thanks Tyra, what a lovely way to end my blog.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Dear Dr. Officer Baldwin, ( letter #4)

A-dawg, brother be getting all slick n' sit up in dis piece. Yup last night you busted out all your smoothest moves when you and the ladies went to Tahoe.

Rather than nauseate myself and my readers with a long play by play of your dates (okay fine I am sleepy today) I will just remind us of the best quotes that flew out of your mouth last night:

-As you kissed Bevin "do you feel that? do feel the electricity when we touch?"

-To the ladies at the casino "keep it real girls, keep it real"

-To Bevin in your hotel room as you kiss "I want to be cured"

-Later to Bevin as you kissed "Want to give me check up"

(Nice work on the double doctor references!)

-To Tessa " You are my sanctuary. Please stick with it"

-To Tina " You are just what the doctor ordered"

Later to Tina "That was the medicine I needed"

(Quadruple doctor references! Hot damn Andy, you are on pun fire! No really, I sorta wish you were on fire)

Yet these ladies love Dr. Cheese.

They love your gooey, stinky, bright white toothed cheesiness. They love it so much that when Nicole didn't get a rose she lost it. Yes, sweet, adorable, lispy Nicole.

I thought she was my favorite. I mean I didn't think you were a good match because she seems, well sane and all but then I was proven wrong. When you did not give Nicole a rose she cried. Fair enough. She cried and moaned " Where do I go from here? How the HELL does that happen!?!!!!!!"

Then Stephanie T. lost it too. Well I don't think she ever really had it. Yes, delusional, non-blinking, titty baring, Stephanie. I knew she was my least favorite. She closed the show declaring "I'm leaving cuase of stupid jealous girls. Story of my life"

And there we have it. Clearly I am too mentally drained from ingesting so much Bachelor horse shit to end on a witty remark.

Till next week Dr. Officer...

Love Always,

ps. Andy, are you a robot?

Monday, April 23, 2007

Dear Girl with a New Cell,

Please do not test out all 30 of your ring tones in the middle Not Your Average Joes restaurant! I was just trying to enjoy a burger and some conversation when you insisted on spending 15 minutes choosing a new ring tone? Nobody is wowed with your Asian ditty or Fanfare melody. I'm sorry Mommy didn't call you pretty as a little girl but please, stop making us look at you.

I will say this, there is one type of person who is a bigger turd than you: those two chicks I saw at Target on Thursday who shopped for bikinis while blasting J-Lo's "Waiting for Tonight" on their Helio . When I see boyeez strutting about the city blasting hardcore rap from a boxboom I want to punch them in the dick, so you can only imagine the violent daydreams I had involving these two preppy tramps trolling the juniors section blarring bad pop music. Sorry sluts, Hortensia the dressing room attendant is not impressed and neither am I. Now please, use that Mossimo terry cloth tube dress as a noose to choke yourselves.

Can't we all turn down the volume a wee bit?

Love Always,

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Dear Mom at Naidres in Brooklyn,

Yes I am just another douchebag in here typing away on my laptop but really you and your 6 year old daughter are really going to LOUDLY play Monopoly in a coffee shop? Really?

You just screamed at your kid "No, no, NO! You owe me money for your income taxes!"

Income taxes? Age 6? It's not even Monopoly Jr. you asshole.

Really why don't you just yell " Everyone! Everyone please look at us! I am playing Monopoly with my 6 year old daughter. She's SOOOOOO smart, like a mini Donald Trump! Oh and I haven't been laid in 5 years since her father left me for someone with a soul!"

Love Always,

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Dear Dr. Officer Andy Baldwin (letter # 3, sorta) and the rest of the world,

I promised that every Tuesday I'd write to you and I have failed. Last night I forgot to Tivo the Bachelor! Recaps displayeed images and stories of injured ankles, drill sergeants, and mud spas. It looked like comedy gold and I was furious to have missed the show. Then I heard about the Virginia Tech shootings and for some reason missing your addictive pile diareha TV show suddenly seemed like a pretty fucking pathetic thing to get upset about.

I don't think I can say anything new about this terrible, scary, sad, devestating, and heart-breaking event. I have been reading what I can find online including these chilling blogs and video from students who experiences the shootings first hand. I cannot even understand what the fuck happen, what I do know that whatever reasons the shooter, Cho Seung-Hui gives for commiting this disgusting crime are completely irrelevant. There is no logical reason for such behavior. If you're in a bad mood and really need to shoot someone to feel better, please just shoot yourself you sick asshole. I was in a bad mood last week and I wanted to drink to feel better. I didn't pour vodka down the throats of innocent victims.

As I type this I am watching the press briefing from Virgnina Tech authorities and the police on CBS. Tears begin to fill my eyes. I am so sadden by how gross this world at times.

Then the news brief ends and we are returned to the reguarly sceduled programming already in progress. It's Entertainment Tonight and they are at the TV Land awards talking to older female celebs about staying thin. They interview Maureen McCormick about her getting slim secrets. Then they cut to the next story revealing exclusive photos from Dannielynn's photo album.

And then I just got sadder by how gross this world is at times.

Love Always,

ps. I promise I'll be funnier tomorrow assuming there aren't anymore school shooting between now and then.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Dear Giulia,

You had one of those weeks where you got on your own nerves. Normally when someone is being an asshole you can just walk away, but you can't walk away from yourself. So you decided to get drunk for a few days. Afterall you are a fun drunk and you don't walk away from a fun drunk.

Except for when you called a girl an asshole for stealing your cab on Friday night and then turned to her friends who were still behind and screamed "yeah I called your friend asshole!" holding your arms in the air like youse aboutz to brawl. The girl and friends didn't even say a word back to you so basically you were arguing with yourself. That was not fun drunk behavior.

As I recount the thoughts and things about my week past I can't help but hear this song over and over again in my head.

While I realize that KRS-One, Stetsasonic, Kool Moe Dee, MC Lyte, Just-Ice, Doug E. Fresh, Heavy D, Public Enemy, and Ms. Melodie were rapping about anti-violence awareness raising half a million dollars for the National Urban League and not about the violence inside an immature 20-something with daddy issues, I am still going to embrace their anti-self destructive mantra. Oh and I like to find ways to make everything about me.

But I think I what really helped snap out this funky mood was watching the newest inspirational and classy VH1 new series Charm School. It was beautiful to see that VH1 has decided to cut back on it's trashy TV and really try and make an impact in the lives of these scantly-clad, violent, fame hungry women.

VH1 describes the show as "thirteen of your favorite breakout stars from "Flavor of Love" seasons one and two are back for some heated competition. Living as a group, learning as a group and out for themselves, these former Flavorettes will be rigorously trained in proper etiquette and manners before competing in challenges to determine their poise and grace under pressure."

Last night, Rain/Thela's destructive temper caused her to be first to get the boot.

I don't want to be Rain/Thela. Perhaps she and I can both embrace the words of the Stop the Violence All-stars

"I'll drive to build And collect
ourselves with intellect,
come on To revolve to evolve to self respect
Cause we got to keep ourselves in check
Or else it's...

Self Destruction, ya headed for Self Destruction
Self Destruction, ya headed for Self Destruction"


Love Always,

Friday, April 13, 2007

Dear Hellmanns,

I just saw your new "Get real, get Hellmanns" commercial featuring a ethnically diverse array of folks spreading ( pun inteneded) the message that Hellmann's is a health food.
I am especially uncomfortable with your rethink mayo campaign. There is no need to rethink mayo when most of us don't like to think mayo in the first place. My college roommate was so grossed out by you that if our other roommates jar of mayo was blocking her beer in the fridge, she'd ask one of us to move it out of her way. She couldn't even touch a jar mayo, let alone rethink it. Creamy, stinky, gag-inducing, sour if used in a tuna sandwhich and left in the sun, fatty, mayo.
Wait, let me give mayo some consideration....
Yeah no, I don't wanna rethink it. I don't wanna think about mayo this much ever again.

Love Always,

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Dear Donna Hogan,

Using Anna's fame and death to self books and gain media exposure?Gross.
You make me sad.
I think "the story behind Anna Nicole" is about a shitty sibling crawling up her ass once she got money.

Get it "behind" and "ass"? Anyone? No? Get it? Okay.

Love Always,

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Dear Andy Baldwin, ( letter #2)

As promised, here is my weekly letter to The Bachelor.
Thank you Officer Dr. Andy Baldwin for curing my case of the Mondays. You like that navy/doctor remark don’t ya? I know you do cause this season’s Bachelor is full of them!

The show started off with your two group dates. Before your first date you informed viewers at home that "operation soul mate is about to begin." (navy/doctor remark #1)

For group date #1 you and half the ladies went to the Saddle Ranch Chop Houseon Sunset Blvd. You said

"When you think of Hollywood you think of the Sunset strip. This is where it all happens!"

If you mean where underage wanna-be starlets get drunk at puke on one another, then yes you are at the right place.

Conveniently the bar was nearly empty at 4 o’clock in the afternoon so there was no line to ride the mechanical bull. One by one your bachelorettes straddled the beast as it vibrated and shook forcing thier breasts to bounce every which way.

When Tessa was thrown from the steed she cried “ I need a doctor!” (navy/doctor remark #2) And who ran to her side? None other than the Office and Gentleman himself!

After all that rough riding them bitches needed to get wet but first, a cocktail party is in order! The women were sent to a room to choose a gown for the event and then met you on the roof top of a hotel.

You repeatedly expressed your delight in being “surrounded by so many beautiful women” and how you must be “the luckiest man alive!” as you slid your hands up and down whatever female backside you could reach. I almost could see the little officer in your pants rising to attention but alas the stark whiteness of your teeth blinded me so.

Now back to getting wet.

Like any good navy man you know how to give orders, so you commanded your little love soldiers to go on! Get! Put on your swimsuits cause it ain’t no date if their ain’t no hot tub!


You greeted the bikini babes in the warm water with more “I’m surrounded by so many beautiful women” and “I must be the luckiest man alive!”

There were some moments where you had some “real connections” except for your one on one time with Tiffany W. (she's a medical equipment representative-ding ding ding it's Doctor related!). You found Tiff to be a bore, but later you made out with Bevin underwater and found her to be a whore! (How you like them, rhymes Dr? As in Dr. Seuss or perhaps Dr. Dre? Oh my! So many doctors!)

Quick everyone in the pool for a 5-some!!!

Alas the night and you both came to a close. Well I assume you came. I mean... you had to beat your navy noodle to a pulp after being “surrounded by so many beautiful women!” Come on admit it! Cum on! (jizz/dick remark #1)

Next up, group date #2. The second half of ladies were put to the test competing in a mini triathlon in hopes to win some one on one time with Athletic Officer Dr. Andy Baldwin.

There was cycling in bikinis. Swimming in bikinis. Erin and Susan holding hands as they walked the swim laps in bikinis. Running in bikinis.

Amber wins so you two do a lil’ canoodling on the beach both telling viewers at home that is was the most romantic thing ever! That sitting on the beach with a camera crew is the most romantic thing ever!

Wait a darn second, is that Andy or M-M-M-Max Hedroom?

And then, the best line ever spoken on the Bachelor, Amber talks about her athletic abilities saying “yeah I am preparing to run the 2007 Marathon!”

THE 2007 MARATHON! Oh my! Where is it held? In the capitol of 2007? Will you run down 2007 Street? Past 2007 Park?

Last but not least, you have a private date with Stephanie T. (She works as an organ donor coordinator. Dang all these bitches be all up in the medical field! )

As the winner of the initial rose last week she gets to join you on your yacht for dinner. The twist: she either gets s rose that night or goes home “never living out her dream of marrying a doctor!” After some nauseating re-enactments of scenes from the Titanic and some champagne sipping you go where else but to the HOT TUB! ( you must be all pruney by now, huh?)

Then, the second best line ever spoken in Bachelor history occurs when you ask Steph
“Do the girls in the house feel animosity toward you for getting that first rose?”

To which Stephoney replies
"Yes, the other girls are giving me animosity"

You immediately give her the rose.

The rest of the show is the cocktail hour/ rose ceremony. Yada yada “ I want a chance to let Andy know the real me.” Yada yada uncomfortable to watch foot massages exchanged with Tessa. Yada yada “will you accept this rose” Yada yada you send the virgin, the boring girl, and blonde #2 home. Yada yada you all toast as you say “I must be the luckiest man alive!”

Oh how I enjoy you Officer Dr. Ken!

Sorry, I meant Officer Dr. Andy

Love Always,

Monday, April 09, 2007

Dear Judge Keith Dean,

Last week on 20/20 I saw a follow up report on the Tyrone Brown story. You recall Tyrone Brown don't you? He is the 34 year old man who spent the past 17 years of his life in jail for breaking his parole. After being arrested for stealing $2, you sentenced Tyrone to life in prison when he was caught with a joint.

Luckily ABC reported this disgustingly unjust situation thus helping Tyrone’s sentence to be overturned. I was in tears as I watched footage of Tyrone returning home as he expressed only gratitude and forgiveness without an ounce of bitterness or anger toward you. Not an ounce. How beautiful is that? That a man can forgive the gross monster who robbed him of his youth?

While I still think you are a heartless douchebag, I am going to try and learn by Tyrone’s example and forgive you and everyone else who is too stupid to be compassionate. (Note: this does not in any way indicate the death of I mean a girl has gotta still speak her mind. I am just saying I forgive the douches of the world and am trying to become very peaceful in he fact that karma will work its magic on them someday).

Anyhoozers, good luck Tyrone! May you find happiness in your new world.

Love Always,

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Dear NYC Landlord,

I know it's April. I know last week it was 60 degrees. I know I stupidly packed away most of my heavy winter gear with the insane assumption that it was actually spring. I know that this burst of unexpected winter means that somewhere, Rosie O'Donnell is hanging upside down. I know it should not be this cold out right now but please, PLEASE turn the heat back on. I cannot shiver myself to sleep again tonight. And if my words don't inspire you, perhaps this will.

Oh, and while you're at it, don't forget to go fuck yourself.

Love Always,
A frozen Giulia

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Dear Andy Baldwin,

Oh yes! Yes! Yes! YES! The Bachelor is back providing me with a guaranteed plethora of weekly douchery to discuss.

For this run The Bachelor decided to change things up a bit. Nooooooo, they don't have a Black, Hispanic or Asian bachelor-what are you nuts?! Ha ha! A non-white bachelor! Ha! That's a good one. Ha ha! But seriously folks, the good peeps at ABC got political and patriotic with this "The Bachelor, Officer and a Gentleman" in honor of you, this season's rich, white-breed, slightly fem, lucky bachelor; U.S. Navy Lieutenant Andy Baldwin, M.D.

You are a toothy fellow. Awkward. Sweet. And as we learned last night you are impressed by:

1) back flips

(Stephanie W woo-ed Andy and quite frankly me as well, with her gymnastic skillz.)

2) bad bravado

(Just in case you were worried that the navy horse would not be beaten to death this season, Tina swept Andy off his tone-deaf feet by signing the Star Spangled Banner for him acapella. I thought we were done with American Bachelor Idol back when
Bob Guiney sang sour nothings in our bleeding ears. I really hope this season Tina goes onto serenade you with a rap version of “Proud To Be An American” and an electronica rendition of “You’re a Grand Ol’ Flag”)

3) buxom blondes

(I don't recall you speaking to Erin once throughout the entire show but with such purty natural blonde hair and such purty natural big breasts, why ruin such purty things with chatter?)

We learned you are NOT impressed with

1) girls who don't blink

(Linda, oh Linda. She was very intense. She kept mentioning how she likes to work out just like Andy and because of this she is basically his male counterpart. Note to Linda: straight dudes don't want girlfriendswho can bench press more than they can. Second note to Linda: straight dudes don't want girlfriends who aren’t...well...a girl. Right now with all your muscle talk and killer eyes I am just scared that at any minute you might do something like this

So sorry Linda to break it all to ya, I'm not being mean. It's just that you seem like a nice girl but let’s just bring it in a bit, shall we?)

2) Dramatic bitches with attitude desperate for camera time and attention

(Lindsay was the token black girl. Now, we all know that the black one never gets to the final 2 anyhoo but usually ABC does a pretty good job at keeping things diverse at least till the final 15. But Lindsay decided to immediately pick fights with the other ladies, talking shit and rocking the finger snap. When she did not get a rose she waltzed out before "taking a moment to say her final goodbyes" swearing, screaming and stomping her little 22 co-ed footsies. Fear not Linds, I'm sure there will be other casting opportunities where your behavior is welcomed and encouraged.

Well Andy, looks like you have an array of romantic hopefuls to toy with, bang, and reject on national television. I look forward to the endless navy themes (lots of saluting, flag waving and use of your uniform to get those girls on thier knees) and unlimited doctor references (like " Is there a doctor in the house? Cause I need mouth to mouth!" and "Give me a gyno exam, stat!")

Till next week Dr. Baldwin.

Love Always,

Monday, April 02, 2007

Dear Hanson,

I was flipping channels last night and saw you three dudes on Deal or No Deal. An Indiana woman was trying to win $300,000 and before she chose her third to last brief case she convieniently said " Maybe a little tune from Hanson would help." Of course, you three obliged, busting out a sweet acapella MmmBop ditty to the audiences delight.

Since I missed the first half of the show I was not quite sure what you all were doing on Deal or No Deal. Assuming it was some sort of publicity appearance to revamp your career I was a wee unsettled as to how singing "MmmBop" revamped anything but perhaps the libido of a 23-year old former fan who had her first imaginary kiss with your Tiger Beat posters in 1997. I mean , when is this "MmmBop" thing going to finally be over? And when is someone going to come out and explain what the "HmmBop" even means? And could they also explain the definition of "Lala and Fergalicious too? I mean really, are we still MmmBopping? Were we ever MmmBopping?

Damn. It is a catchy tune. But I think the real problem is that when you boys came out you were infants, except Isaac. Poor Isaac was like what, 14? And Taylor and Zachary were like 4 and 6? Poor Isaac was going through puberty on MTV and had to babysit his little brothers. And now! Now you all of you are so grown up and hot! I mean you were always attractive but in a " I wanted to dress you in a furry bumble bee baby halloween costume and put you in a carriage and tote you around the playground" sorta cutsie wootsie; now you are actually fuckable.

OMG I just called Hanson fuckable? I did. Is that okay? Am I okay? Will their mom get mad?

So please, for the sake of your future, enough with the Hmm Bop. You can Mmm when you are trying to think as in "Mmm we are a hot set of bros" and you can still Bop as in "I took this hot chick back to my hotel and Bopped her." But please no more "Mmm Bop" together okay? You guys are old enough, good looking enough, and talented enough to move on.

But please, feel free to "Ba du bop, ba duba dop" as much as you lke.

Love Always,