Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Dear Readers,

I love you all so much that I am going on vacation so that when I return relaxed and rejuvenated, my posts will be even more magical than before! So hang tight and please check back here June 7.

Love Always,

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Dear Dr. Officer Baldwin, ( letter #8)

Well, our time has come to an end. Well almost. I mean there’s still tonight’s post-show recap extravaganza which is sure to include many questions, vague answers and of course admittance of “hearts on sleeves” and “putting of ones self out there.”

But the suspense is over. Americans are no longer at the edge of their seats aching to know who Dr. Officer Andrew Baldwin has made into an honest woman.

What’s that? Americans weren’t on the edge of their seats? Most of America didn’t even know this show was still on?


Well fine I was on the edge of my seat. Not so much because I was anxiously awaiting whom would be the future Mrs. Dr. Officer Baldwin (no that surprise was destroyed while reading a Bachelor message board spoiler post). I was on the edge of my seat so I could easily run to the toilet should I have to puke as tearfully you said “I love you” to both Bevin and Tessa before sending Bev’s back to wallow in her “it never works out for me!” mantra.

It was as if you only told Bevin you loved her because you thought Tessa didn’t love you. Then later when Tessa said she loved you were like “Bevin what? Make you think you can fuck with me. Bevin who? Recognize girl, An to the dy”

Look Andy, lots of us have been there. We pick suitor #2 for fear we can’t get suitor #1. The only difference is normally this occurs in high school when choosing betwixt two dates for the big dance. You end up having to have to lie to suitor #2 saying that you “have to wash my hair” so you can really go to the dance with suitor #1. Then in an act of bravery, suitor #2 ends up at the dance alone catching you with suitor #1 which prompts him/her to recite a big speech about honesty and love. This all of course is then followed by a big dance sequence. Suitor #2’s impeccable dance moves cause you to fall head over heels for suitor #2 but unfortunately by this point suitor #2 has found true love with another student. They ride off into the sunset in suitor #2’s unexpected convertible blasting a “Huey Lewis and the News” tune of some sort.

But when you pull this shit on TV you look like a big ol’ piece of turd with sparkling white teeth.

Of course this was not the grossest thing to occur on last night’s season finale of The Bachelor. Oh no. The grossest thing was a Tessa and Andy montage. And not just any montage, but a montage set to the elevator muzak version of “Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong.”

Love Always,

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Dear Dr. Officer Baldwin, ( letter # 7)

Oh good Lord, will this show fucking end already? I know nobody is forcing me to watch but just like the Tyra Banks show, Entertainment Tonight and most if not all of the programming on VH1 I have to, HAVE TO be a witness to the doody that is pooped out of America's asses.

Now even though I have been watching the Bachelor since season one when the dolphin-like Alex Michal pretended to be into girls, I still will never, ever understand why anyone would ever partake in this over-produced pile of vomit. Yet year after year after year ABC manages to dig up dozens of desperate, wedding-hungry, “heart on their sleeve” wearing women who happen to own countless evening gowns (really where do these girls get all these dresses for every rose ceremony?) and guys with the whitest, shiniest teeth and the poorest, cheesiest acting skills to come on national television and force themselves into falling in love. And without fail, year after year after year, these women (most at least) “fall in love” with Mr. Crest White Strips. I mean love? LOVE? Like the way I love it when someone farts in the bathroom at work cause they think they are in there alone and then they come out and see me and try to make awkward conversation about the new scented rose soap. Cause that kind of love could logically be developed on a game show but no and somehow every season these bridal hopefuls pee-pee their panties with what they think is true, television developed love.

Oh sorry Andy, I forgot I was writing to you for a sec. Last night was a hard night for you. I mean really hard. It was so hard to spend three nights in Hawaii with three different ladies. It was so hard you had to take off your shirt and go swimming then you had to take off your shirt and go jogging then you had to just take off your shirt cause shirts cause confusion when deciding who to make your “wife.”

In the end it was Danielle whose heart you decided to break.
How could you Andy? Didn’t you hear her boyfriend died in college!? I mean for Christ’s sake she told you like 100 times that she has had a lot of loss in her life with her boyfriend dying in college! I mean her boyfriend died in college. What part of her repeating it over and over and over and over and over again in an attempt to play to wounded dove card did you not understand? I mean even after Danielle told you that she saw a psychic before coming on the show who specifically said that she would marry the third guy she seriously dated! First was the boyfriend that passed away, then another dude, then you. Yes Andy, Danielle considered getting CAST on a REALITY TV SHOW seriously dating. This was real serious. I mean its all on tape. And a psychic said so!

You got teary eyed as Danielle drove off but quickly cheered up when toasting with Bevin and Tessa. I’m not sure why you didn’t even suggest a threesome at this point. I mean both women clearly indicated they’d do anything for a rose. ANYTHING. But being the gentlemen, as in Office and a Gentlemen that you are you simply gave them each a squeeze and then probably retired to your room to jerk off while watching footage of all the contestants crying over you on their limo rides home.

The show ended with a dozen or so voice-overs of Chris Harrison saying variations on the line “watch next week as one woman’s dream of marrying an officer and gentleman comes true while one woman’s dream of marrying an officer and gentleman is crushed on ABC’s The Bachelor, Officer and a Gentleman.”

I miss Flavor of Love.

Love Always,

Monday, May 07, 2007

Dear Dr. Officer Baldwin, ( letter #6)

I'll keep this brief cause I really am starting to not care. I mean I never reall cared but like I really don't care.

Tonight , in what was advertised as "the MOST EMOTIONAL hometown dates EVER" you visited the hometowns of Bevin, Danielle, Tessa, and Amber.

Oddly enough Amber's parents weren't into the whole "competing for a husband on national television and risking getting shamed and heartbroken in front of all of America." That's weird huh?

Then in what was advertised as "the MOST DRAMATIC rose ceremony EVER!" with kinda sorta tears in your eyes, you gave Amber the boot.

It's so hard being the Bachelor. So, very very hard.

At least her folks can not say "I told you so" before what is being advertised as "the MOST INTENSE rose ceremony EVER!"

Oh well, let's booze!

Love Always,

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Dear Giulia,

You are not a douche cause you made fun of someone's style on Gawker's Looking at the Look Book.
You are a talented little asshole who in the name of "good fun" may or may not make people cry sometimes.

Love Always,

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Dear Dr. Officer Baldwin, ( letter #5)

Ahoy Dr. Officer! Quite a nice date on your yacht last night huh? Yup your yacht. YOU decided to invite the ladies on YOUR yacht. The same yacht that last week you admitted to one of the girls was not really yours.

While on that yacht Bevin stole you away for some kayaking. You too canoodled while the others pouted. Later Bevin pouted when you talked to others.
What drama!

Bevin cried and told all of America "I'm 28! I'm too old to be dating someone who is dating other women, it's embarrassing!" You know what else is embarrassing? Being on the Bachelor and acting like the fact that the Bachelor is dating other women while on The Bachelor. She also something along the lines of "I really put myself out there"

Oh Bev!

You then had a one on one date with Stephanie who was speechless when you asked about her dreams and career aspirations. After the date Stephanie was upset because she wished she had "put herself out there" more.

Oh well!

Next you took the ladies to clean up and re-paint a schoolyard, which earned you big points.

Everyone cooed and aaahed saying such things as "it's so nice that Andy wants to give back to the community!"

Yes, the community that ABC scouted, booked and shot.

Also while at the playground Danielle "put herself out there" and told you how she counseled a special needs child. This gave you a boner so you hugged her.

Touchdown Danielle!

Then Amber put something out there. Can you guess what it was? If said a potato you are wrong. If you said "herself" you are right! You are a smart doctor indeed. Yes, Amber put herself out there and talks about her students playing on the fact that she is a teacher and they are at a school and there are kids and the Bachelor is saving the children of America.

Go Amber, go Amber go!

Last but not least, you take my gurl Tessa on a one on one date. She tells you, she tells us, she tells anyone who will listen about how she is trying to "put herself out there" but it's hard when you are dating so many other women. (again, had these women not seen the show before? Did they not read the contract? Did they think the "competition" part of the show was just a competition against themselves to see how much they could put out there? YES you are dating other women! There are other women! One dude, lots of women! It's the fucking Bachelor!)

Not to change the topic, but where is "there" that all these girls are going "out" to? God, can someone "put" you out "there" for a change?

Anyhoozers, roses were given away, Tina and Stephanie are sent packin'

Tina cries and says that you are "charming, but not my prince."
Stephanie laments over not doing more.
And I am left thinking, why are you the prize? Why is it assumed that the ladies will love you? That you are the ideal? What if all 20 women decided they did not like you? What would happen? I mean how is that every season, without fail, all the women want the Bachelor?

But don't you worry your pretty lil' dr. officer noggin about that Andy.

You just go on and keep asking those ladies to "hang in there." (I’m just waiting for you to start whipping out that kitten holding on to a tree branch inspirational poster) You don't need tell me why season after season after season women go on this ridiculous, cheesy, addictive television show and fall in love with whatever pretty faced man-slut Chris Harrison dangles in front of their marriage hungry hearts. No, you don't need to explain this to me I just um, well I just wanted to um. God this is hard for me. I just ahhhh, um I didn't want to do this but, well I had to ask cause I just wanted to really put myself out there.

Love Always,