Friday, September 25, 2009

Dear Person Not Using Headphones On The Subway,

Why? Just tell me why? Why are you not wearing headphones, thus forcing everyone on this subway car to listen to your shitty music? First of all the sound quality sucks coming out of your tiny cell phone speaker. Secondly, I hate this song. I don't know what song it is, but if you like it, I hate it. And third of all, you're an asshole.

WOW! Wowee wow wow! You have the technology to play MP3's from your mobile device. OOOOOOOOOH I'm so impressed. You, and everyone else in America. I think even my friends cat Nigel has a cell that plays music. So if you're trying to show off, it's not working. If you're trying to make me feel a violent pang in my heart stronger than most violent pangs I've felt before, then job well done.

If you're so desperate to be noticed, can you do something that's a quieter plea for attention, like tattoo your face?

I think instead of handing out sandwiches to the homeless, I want to start a nonprofit organization where we hand out headphones to you mindless, barbaric, ignorant, no-respect-for-anyones-space savages.

What I don't get, is how only one of you ends up on every subway car and rarely do you see two of you playing your MP3's sans headphones at the same time. It must be a conspiracy. So I plan to be that competitor. Yes, me. A short white gal in a dress is going to sit right next you, take out my IPhone and blast music too. Perhaps I'll blast this song:

Maybe you'll hear the words. Shut off your music. Put down your cellie. Look over at me with tears in your eyes and mouth the words "thank you."

Love Always,

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