Monday, October 19, 2009

Dear Readers,


While I'd love to spend days upon days writing about how annoying it is that we have granted the Heenes wish of being famous by giving them insane amounts of media attention. ( I especially love how all the tabloid TV programs are calling the family "media whore" um, don't these shows thrive on media whores?)I'm taking the week off while I travel along the west coast with my show Stripped Stories. If you feel so inclined, please spread the word. We're in Seattle October 20, San Francisco October 21, and Los Angeles October 23.

Love Always,
Giulia

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Dear Driver,


I just got back from my wonderful west coast trip. I have a slight tan, a bag of Coffee Bean coffee, and distant memories of being in homes with more than one room. Upon returning to NYC I was almost hit by your car on the corner of 5th Avenue and 8th Street when you drove through MY walk signal. Little white walker man means I go, you stop. If the signal meant I was suppose to scream in fear of my life and then punch your car, then the little white man would be in said position. (Yea, I punched your car. I'll fight your car. You wanna go car? You wanna go?)

Not only did you almost hit me but you yelled at me. ME! As if I were there one at fault here. I screamed "shut the fuck up you fucking piece of shit" and waved my fists rapidly in the air. (Did I mention I was walking to get dinner after yoga. Yup yoga. You f-ed up my zen. You f-ed up my fucking zen). Then you drove away leaving me to look like the crazy one at the scene of the crime. And so it goes, car is jerk. Car has speed and can leave awkward street fight. Pedestrian is left to receive glares and judgement from bystanders. It's okay, I'm sure your lady friend in the passenger seat will lecture you this evening about what a monster you were to a poor, adorable, girl trying to make her way home. Or she'll bang your relentlessly cause your manly aggression at even innocent city dwellers turns her on. Ewwww, you're both gross.

Love Always,
Giulia

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Dear Sickness,

Thanks for keeping me in bed and off line for most of this week. No really, thankyou. Sometimes I don't take a true break until my body literally shuts down. That being said, I'm going back to bed to watch talk shows galore today. I'll deal with the douches of the world again on Monday.

Love Always,
Giulia

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Monday, October 12, 2009

Dear Christopher Columbus,


You were responsible for slaughtering, enslaving and exploiting Native inhabitants when you arrived to America. Let's have a parade!

Love Always,
Giulia

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Saturday, October 10, 2009

Dear Thursday & Friday,

Sorry this blog ignored you.

Love Always,
Giulia

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Dear Rainbow Pinwheel On My Laptop Screen,


I hate you.

Love Always,
Giulia

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Dear Skinny Thing With Lots Of Legs That Ran Along My Wall,


Where the fuck did you go?! By the time I got the Raid and broom you disappeared behind something. I fear my hand will find you in a book on my shelf or my bare foot will find you in a shoe in my closet. Gross! Gross! Gross! Ew! Ew! Ew!

Why do you and all your friends think you have the right to just waltz into anyones home and violate their space? I know some people think I shouldn't kill you. That we are technically on "your turf" but last time I checked Mr Critter, your name wasn't on the lease.

At the very least, please don't creep up on me while I sleep. My biggest fear is waking up with you or someone like you resting on my face.

I must go shower and cry now.

Love Always,
Giulia

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Monday, October 05, 2009

Dear Bag Of Groceries I Left On The Subway,

I am so sorry. I didn't mean to abandon you. Trust me, this hurt me way more than it hurt you.

I blame the idiot teenager obnoxiously singing along to their loud MP3 player. When I first heard the groaning vocals, I assumed it was a crazy old man but once the car cleared it was revealed that this horrid noise was that of a 14 year-old punk in such desperate need of attention that he was wailing nonsensical R&B lyrics. Although his friends warned "Yo, chill. Everyone is looking at you." This just caused the noise polluting culprit to grin and sing louder.

I was so distracted by the rudeness of this heathen that I got off the train only picking up one of my two bags of groceries.

Oh how I miss you bag of fresh produce and healthy snacks! To think, some lucky person out there is having their way with my Lactaid Cottage Cheese.

I wonder if once your all your contents are consumed and you're empty, you too will dance. Dance my bag, dance!


I feel cold.

Love Always,
Giulia

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Friday, October 02, 2009

Dear Montblanc,


You're celebrating Gandhi's birthday by selling a commemorative pen that cost $24,763. Gandhi advocated a simple lifestyle, so simple in fact he wore a loin cloth non-stop! So attaching his name to a pen that costs the same as one years tuition at a private college makes total sense. And hanging billboards advertising your insanely expensive pen over the slums of Mumbai is a real nice touch. I'm sure when little Anjali and Nikhil are looking out at sky thru their roofless shack of a home they'll see your billboard and rather than use the few rupees they have to purchase a cup of rice, they'll instead save up those rupees to buy your precious pen. Considering 450 million Indians struggle on less than $1.25 a day, they should have enough money to buy the pen in about 52 years or so.

Love Always,
Giulia

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Thursday, October 01, 2009

Dear Chase Bank,

Thanks for making it seemingly impossible for me to ever be in the positive financially. My charming move of calling you hysterically crying and begging you to reverse my overdraft fees as a "customer courtesy" worked l last week, but I guess this week you caught onto the fact that I am clearly terrible at: balancing my checkbook, saving money, making money, being responsible with money, and now I'm apparently also terrible at being charming. It's okay, I need to learn my lesson, my very embarrassing, expensive lesson. Oddly enough when you were called "WAMU" I didn't make this many mistakes. Maybe the name "WAMU" made me WAnt to MUve my ass to make some money. Know what I mean? It was like:


Now I'm all like "Chasing" my tail. Ya heard?

Okay, gotta go! I'm off to re-read the chapter about money in The Secret again.
Fun fact! I used my debit card to buy The Secret and thus got an overdraft fee. Oh irony, you so crazy!

Love Always,
Giulia

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